Loneliness - Finding Connection After Loss

 

Did you know loneliness can be as deadly as smoking 15 cigarettes a day?

That’s what recent studies show. And if you’ve lost your husband, you can probably imagine the truth of that. Grief brings sorrow, but loneliness adds another cruel layer - one you weren’t prepared for. You can be surrounded by people and still feel completely alone. At home, the house is silent. You feel the pain of not having your special person to talk to. This loneliness goes way beyond sadness. It’s a quiet ache that stretches into your soul. You’re grieving. But God didn’t intend for you to walk through this misery on your own. Here are some thoughts about how to face loneliness - and where you can find real connection again.

The Loneliness You Didn’t Expect

Nobody tells you how the silence will feel. Everything moves on, but your own world stands still. You miss his voice. His just being there. The way you didn’t even have to say anything, to feel connected. Now you have too much time to think and too few people who understand. Please know you’re not alone, in feeling alone. Many Christian widows struggle in silence. They stay at home more than before. They withdraw. Sometimes, even church feels hard to attend, because there are so many couples whose marriages are still intact. Staying isolated doesn’t help matters. It only deepens the wound. You can reach out, but you may have to rebuild your connections, step by step.

Why Finding Connection Matters

God created you for connection. Even while grieving, your heart still longs to be seen, heard, and understood. When you do start finding new ways to connect with others - spiritually, socially, and emotionally - you will find something starts to change inside. A little at a time. Not all at once. But you will be able to breathe again. Loneliness is a sign that your love mattered. And that your heart still needs people. Connecting with others won’t replace your husband - but it can restore parts of your life that feel broken.

How to Start Rebuilding Connection After Loss

Here are some ways to begin reconnecting:

• Reconnect With God Through Prayer

You don't have to say the right words, or put on a brave face. He invites you to come as you are, hurting, confused Start small.  Even with just one sentence a day. “Lord, I miss Tom.” “God, please help me through today.” “Lord, I feel so alone. Please help me.” Be real. He hears you. Use the Psalms as a guide for your prayers - they often express real grief.

• Join or Re-engage With a Church Community This may feel so hard to do. If going to church feels overwhelming for you, start with a smaller step. Attend a women's group. Visit a Sunday school class. Look for a setting that feels welcoming and low-pressure. Some churches have grief recovery ministries or widows' support gatherings.

People won’t always say the right thing - absolutely - but most want to love and support you. Give them grace, and they will do the same for you.

• Find a Grief Support Group Support groups offer something most people can't give - understanding from people who've been where you are. You don't have to explain the depth of your pain - they get it because they have been there. You'll find comfort, stories of survival, and even moments of laughter. Look for groups at your church, local counseling centers, or online Christian grief forums.

• Volunteer and Help Others

This may feel surprising but it works. Even if it doesn't erase your grief, helping others give your pain a purpose. You might serve at a food pantry, send cards to shut-ins, or mentor younger women. Serving others shifts your focus outward and help0s you feel useful again.

God often brings healing to your own heart, as you become part of healing someone else’s.

• Reach Out, Even When It’s Hard

Grief can make you feel like waiting for people to come to you. But sometimes you have to make the first move. Call a friend. Invite someone over for coffee. Ask someone to pray with you after church.

It’s scary, yes. But every connection begins with a small risk.

What the Bible Says About Loneliness

God sees your loneliness. He knows how it hurts. But He also reminds us that we are never truly alone:

“I will never leave you or forsake you.” – Hebrews 13:5

“Two are better than one… If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.” – Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” – Galatians 6:2

God created the body of Christ to be family with you. Allow them to help you when you’re too tired. That’s not weakness on your part. Helping each other is what community is for.

From Isolation to Connection - One Step at a Time

You don’t have to connect with people all at once. 

You just take one small step today. Then another tomorrow. Grief will still come in waves. But with each new connection, things become a little easier. You’ll feel seen. You’ll feel heard. And one day, you’ll laugh again—genuinely, freely, without feeling guilty. That’s connection.

Let’s Talk About It

So, what’s been the hardest part of loneliness for you? What’s one small step you can take this week to connect with someone? What connection resources do you see around you?

👉 Share your thoughts with us by commenting below. Your story can help someone else feel seen.

Let’s walk this journey together—one step, one connection, one day at a time.

Sincerely,

Gerry van der Wende

www.advancelifetransformation.com  👉 P.S.  And if you're looking for a more structured path toward healing, click here to request our free guide: "The Path to Grief Recovery." 

Grief and Good Friday

 

Hope in the Midst of Loss

Today is Good Friday, a day marked with loss and grief, as we read the gospel accounts in the Bible. I used to wonder why this day was called “Good” Friday. 

And yet, there is a message of hope, resilience and new life embedded in it - a message that can resonate deeply with your personal journey of grief recovery.

I will tie this blog to the RESET grief recovery method:

REFLECT - Acknowledge the Reality of Loss, and Christ’s Sacrifice

Think back to that day, the original Good Friday. Imagine how the disciples were feeling. Their leader Jesus had been betrayed by one of their own, and been crucified. Their loss was real, it was brutal, and seemingly final. 

In a similar way, the reality of your own loss is undeniable. You have lost the familiar presence of your special person, the dreams you shared with them, the everyday activities you shared with them. 

Acknowledging this new reality, the empty space where your husband once stood, is a crucial first step in your journey, just like the disciples had to confront the devastating reality of Jesus’ death.

As we remember the agony of Jesus on the cross, and the huge sacrifice He made, can we also acknowledge the immense love that fueled that sacrifice? He willingly endured suffering, not for Himself but for us.

In your grief, it can be easy to feel abandoned or forgotten. But Good Friday reminds us that even in the darkest pain and loss, love can endure.

Take a moment today to reflect not only on the pain of your loss, but also on the love that you shared, and the unwavering love of God that surrounds you still. Perhaps you may want to take some time for quiet reflection, or to write in your journal about your thoughts and feelings, both about your personal loss and the events of Good Friday.

EMBRACE - Accept and Process Emotions, Through Christ’s Example

The emotions that accompany grief are varied - sadness, anger, confusion, loneliness, fear. There is no right or wrong way to feel, and each wave of emotion deserves to be acknowledged.

Consider how Jesus must have felt on the cross. Betrayed by a friend, abandoned by His followers, the physical agony, the spiritual weight of the sins of the world. “My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46), expresses the feelings of isolation and despair that often accompany grief.

Just as Jesus embraced His suffering, feeling the full weight of the experience, we too must allow ourselves to feel our grief. Resisting these emotions can hinder our healing process.

Instead, bring these feelings to God. He understands heartbreak. In prayer, share your sadness, your anger and your confusion. Find comfort in knowing He holds your tears and understands your pain.

SHAPE - Rebuild Your Identity In Light of the Cross

The loss of a spouse can deeply impact a woman’s sense of personal identity. So much of life has been intertwined with your spouse, and after losing them, you may find yourself wondering, “Who am I now?”

The disciples, after the crucifixion, must have wrestled with a similar crisis of identity. Their leader was gone, their purpose seemed to have disappeared.

But the story did not end on Good Friday. Jesus’ sacrifice, though being a moment of profound loss, ultimately reshaped history and offered a new spiritual identity to all who believe in Him.

Your core identity remains wrapped in Christ. You are a beloved child of God, strengthened by His amazing love. This is a time to depend more deeply on your spiritual connection. To find comfort and strength in prayer, Bible reading and your relationship with Jesus. He knows grief. Allow God to be the anchor of your renewed identity.

EXPLORE - Seek New Purpose, In Resurrection Hope

The darkness of Good Friday was eclipsed by the dawn of Resurrection Sunday. Jesus Christ’s resurrection from the dead is the ultimate symbol of hope, new beginnings and life after death. 

While your earthly relationship with your husband has changed, the promise of eternal life through Christ offers profound hope for the future.

As you navigate your grief, allow the resurrection to inspire you to explore new avenues of purpose. Fresh ways to contribute your unique gifts and talents to those around you. This will not replace the love you had, but it will give new meaning to your future. Perhaps you can volunteer, pursue a passion, deepen connections with family and friends, or find new ways to serve at church or in your community.

Just as the disciples found new purpose in spreading the message about the resurrected Jesus, allow God to guide you toward a new sense of meaning in this new chapter of your life.

THRIVE - Sustain Growth and Momentum Through God’s Grace

The journey of grief recovery is not linear. It has its ups and downs. There will be days that feel like Good Friday all over again, and there will be moments of unexpected grace and healing that remind you of Easter morning.

Sustaining your growth and momentum requires continual reliance on God’s Grace, patience with yourself, and connection with your supporters.

Just like the disciples continued to grow in their faith and understanding after the resurrection, allow yourself time to heal and evolve. Lean on the support of your Christian friends, seek help from your pastors and spiritual mentors, and above all, trust in God’s unfailing love and provision.

Thriving after loss is not about forgetting where you have come from, but about integrating your experience into a life filled with renewed purpose and hope.

Conclusion

This good Friday, find comfort in knowing you are not alone in your pain. Just as hope emerged from the darkness of that day, hope, healing and fresh purpose can emerge in your life too.

Reflection - Download our free guided journal prompts for reflection and prayer as you navigate this day in your grief journey.

May you find peace and comfort.

Sincerely,

Gerry van der Wende

www.advancelifetransformation.com 

P.S. Click here to download our free guided journal prompts.

How To Help A Grieving Friend

10 Simple Ways to Show Up Without Making It Seem Weird

When someone you care about is grieving, you want to help. But you might not know how.

Should you say something? Should you do something? Leave them alone? Send food? It's easy to feel helpless, and afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing.

The good news is that you don't need to fix their pain. You just need to show up in simple, thoughtful ways.

These practical dos and don'ts will help you be a steady friend while they are going through a stormy season.

A List of Practical Dos and Don'ts

• DO say something - Saying, “I'm sorry for your loss,” or, “I'm here if you want to talk,” is better than silence. You don't need amazing words, just be sincere.

• DON’T avoid them - Grief can feel isolating. If you disappear because you feel awkward, they'll feel even more alone. Presence beats perfection.

• DO offer specific help - Instead of saying “Let me know if you need anything,” say, “I’m dropping off dinner on Tuesday. Is that OK?” or “Can I pick up your groceries this week?”

• DON’T rush their healing - Avoid phrases like “At least they're in a better place,” or “Everything happens for a reason.”

• DO check in regularly - Set reminders to check in 1 week, 1 month, and 3 months after the loss. Grief lasts longer than most people realize.

• DON’T make it about you - Resist the urge to share your own grief story right away. Let them lead. This is their space, not about you.

• DO listen more than you talk - You don't need to give advice. Just be a safe person where they can cry, vent, or say nothing at all. 

• DON’T disappear after the funeral - Support often drops off after the service, but that’s when grief becomes real. Keep showing up in small ways.

• DO remember the dates - Anniversaries, birthdays and holidays are tough. A simple text such as “Thinking of you today”, can really help.

• DON’T underestimate the power of little things - A cup of coffee, a walk, a card in the mail. Small gestures remind your friend that they are not alone.

Conclusion

You don’t need to be perfect to help a grieving friend. You just need to be present. Grief is tough, but it is more bearable when someone is willing to sit and share it with you.

Think of one grieving friend right now. What is one small thing you can do to help them this week? A text? A meal? A cup of coffee? Maybe now is the time to take action.

Sincerely,

Gerry van der Wende

www.advancelifetransformation.com 

P.S. Would you like a printable version of this list to keep or share? 
Click here to grab our free one-page guide: “How to Help a Grieving Friend”.

Why Grief Sometimes Feels Like You’re Going Crazy (And Why You’re Not)

Do You Ever Feel You May Be Losing Your Mind?

One moment you are calm and normal. The next moment you’re sobbing at the grocery store. Because you were reminded about something they would buy. Other symptoms could be brain fog, outbursts, memory loss, numbness.

It’s scary. Overwhelming and terrifying.

But the truth is, you aren’t going crazy. You are grieving.

Grief Hijacks Your Brain

What actually happens inside your brain?

When someone you love dies, your brain goes into survival mode. The amygdala - the brain’s alarm system - goes on high alert. Your prefrontal cortex (which helps with logic, planning and decision-making) takes a back seat. (https://www.americanbrainfoundation.org/how-tragedy-affects-the-brain/)

That’s why you forget why you walked into a room, why simple tasks seem exhausting, and why your emotions seem out of control.

Here’s what grief may look like. 

• Sudden emotional outbursts

• Feeling numb or disconnected

• Trouble sleeping or eating

• Memory lapses or confusion

• Physical pain or tiredness

These expressions of grief are all normal. They are the way the body and brain process deep emotional loss.

You Are Not Unique in This - Others Feel This Too

Maybe you’ve said things like:

• “I think I’m losing it.”

• “I don’t feel like myself anymore.”

• “Everyone else seems to be doing better than me.”

You are echoing the voice of millions of people walking the same road. I’ve heard these kinds of comments from widows, parents who have lost a child. Even pastors and counselors can be faced by these things. Grief can make you feel like a stranger to yourself.

All this means is that you are human. You haven’t lost it. 

Grief is not a problem to be fixed - it is a wound that needs tending.

Grief Is Not a Mental Illness - But It Can Feel Like One.

Grief can mimic conditions like anxiety, depression, or even PTSD. You may experience racing thoughts, panic attacks, hopelessness, trouble concentrating, or mood swings. (https://www.taps.org/articles/29-3/you-are-not-crazy-you-are-grieving). 

But grief itself is not a disorder. Grief is a natural and appropriate way to react to loss. Mental health professionals say these symptoms often improve over time, especially if you have support.

Important Tip: If your symptoms persist beyond several months or begin to interfere with daily life, consider reaching out to a grief counselor. Help is available, and there is no shame in getting it.

When God Feels Far Away

For many Christians, grief can shake your faith. You may feel God is distant, silent, or even absent.

You may ask: “Why did this happen?”, “Why didn’t God heal them?”

Having these questions doesn’t mean you have lost your faith, they are not a betrayal of your relationship with God. 

They just mean you are hurting and you don’t understand. God is not afraid of questions.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18).

“Hear my prayer, O LORD, Give ear to my supplications! In Your faithfulness answer me, And in Your righteousness.” (Psalm 143:1).

Even though we may not feel close to God, or feel His presence, He is still there. 

In a very hard time in my life, the troubles we were going through made it seem as though God wasn’t listening, and as though I was on my own. But by turning to Him, and going back to “the first works” (Revelation 2:5), I reestablished my foundation and regained closeness with Him. In my weakness, God was able to do amazing things. 

The point is, He never left me. My feelings were not a very reliable indicator of His presence. He promised “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5).

How to Steady Yourself During the Chaos

You can’t “fix” grief. But there are actions you can take to steady yourself:

• Breathe. Take five slow, deep breaths when you feel anxious.

• Write. Journaling helps to release chaotic thoughts.

• Pray. Turn to God. Even a short breath prayer like “Lord, please help me,” will help.

• Talk. Share your feelings with someone safe. You don’t have to carry this on your own.

• Rest. Grief is exhausting - give yourself permission to take a break. Do something different. Get out of the house.

• Exercise. Go for a short walk. Just a little exercise causes the brain to release endorphins, which make you feel more positive. (https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/exercise-and-stress/art-20044469) 

Let Go of the Myth That You Should Be “Over It”

If someone tells you, you should move on, or just be strong, don’t accept that for yourself. Just smile politely and go speak to someone else. 

There is no timeline for grief. There is no formula for healing. Each person’s journey is different.

Grief is a messy, tangled mess of emotions, which gradually modify over time. It’s like walking along a tortuous path in a dark forest. As you continue walking, you progress ever closer to the clarity and sunshine at the edge of the forest. It gets better.

Give yourself time. Give yourself grace. 

Grief is personal.  You get to feel what you feel. You don’t owe anyone an explanation or apology.

A Final Word

It’s not crazy to wonder about if you are going crazy. The emotions and turmoil you are experiencing can be huge.

But this is for a season. You will find that over time, your emotions and feelings will stabilize. There has been a profound change in your life - what you are experiencing is your body and mind adjusting to this new reality.

You need support along this journey. 

Find someone you feel comfortable with, who will listen to you, without judging. Or join a grief group. Some churches have grief groups available, there are also online groups. Consider trying this out. If your experience with one group didn’t work out, try another. 

I have posted a number of blog posts about grief on our website, and will continue to do so! Here is the link: CLICK HERE. 

I hope this post has helped you!

Sincerely,

Gerry van der Wende

www.advancelifetransformation.com

P.S. Please always feel free to email us at advancelifetransformation@gmail.com