It’s important to understand the natural, often chaotic path grief takes when a person doesn't have a map or a guide.
When a person processes grief without formal help or a structured framework, their experience is typically highly individual, unpredictable, and rarely follows a neat, prescribed order.
Here is an idea of the general emotional phases a grieving person tends to cycle through, and how they often appear without active intervention:
THE NATURAL UNGUIDED GRIEF JOURNEY
PHASE 1 - SHOCK AND DISBELIEF
This is the immediate, instinctive reaction to loss. The mind cannot process the magnitude of the pain, so it hits the "pause" button.
The experience without help:
This phase is prolonged and often leads to emotional numbness and difficulty functioning. The person may go through the motions of funeral arrangements, work, and errands in a detached, robotic state. They may often repeat the loss to themselves ("He's really gone?") because the mind refuses to fully accept the reality. This can make them seem "strong" to others, but it's a very fragile state.
My own journey:
In my own grief journey (I did not have a grief recovery coach), I experienced this as total shock. The shock lasted a long time, but was particularly severe the first two weeks, until the family and friends left. For a while I just felt numb. I remember aimlessly watching TV, sitting on my own in the living room. I remember the lonely and sleepless nights.
PHASE 2 - CONFRONTATION AND SUFFERING
Once the initial shock wears off, the reality crashes down. This is the period of most intense, acute suffering.
The experience without help:
This is where the overwhelming, unprocessed emotions explode. It is characterized by uncontrolled emotional waves (crying fits, intense anger, crushing sadness), and often leads to the person feeling isolated because the intensity of their feelings pushes others away. They struggle with the "whys" and "what ifs" with no framework to manage the guilt and confusion. This phase tends to dominate their life for an extended period, leading to depression and severe anxiety.
My own journey:
During this time the waves of emotion washed over me, relentlessly. I was lonely, the house was filled with pain, it was a dark time for me. In it all God was with me and helped me through it. But it was the toughest time of my life.
PHASE 3 - WITHDRAWAL AND REGRESSION
As the intensity of Phase 2 becomes unbearable, the person instinctively seeks to avoid the pain.
The experience without help:
The griever often withdraws socially, fearing that engaging with the world will remind them of their loss or require too much energy. They may revert to unhealthy coping mechanisms (overeating, alcohol, obsessive busyness, or simply retreating to bed). Their motivation drops dramatically, and they may be "stuck" here for months or years, effectively putting their life on hold. Their world gets smaller and smaller.
My own journey:
I withdrew from people. I was isolated. I stopped attending church, I felt they didn’t understand what I was experiencing. I was still going through the motions at work, but inside I felt I was dying. My colleagues at work told me later that they had thought I was on my way out. I wasn’t taking care of myself, I wasn't eating enough. In one year, my dog died, Leni died, my cat died. Life was empty.
PHASE 4 - ACCEPTANCE AND ADJUSTMENT
This phase involves the intellectual and emotional acknowledgement that the loss is permanent, and the slow work of rebuilding life commences.
The experience without help:
This transition is slow and painful. Without guidance, the person often confuses "acceptance" with "getting over it," leading to intense guilt every time they have a moment of happiness or normalcy. They may struggle with redefining their identity and practical life skills (finances, household management) because they haven't been forced to actively address these issues. Progress is often marked by setbacks, as they have no tools to manage new emotional triggers.
My own journey:
The time came when I recognized I could take off my wedding ring. I tried to make new connections. But it was like I was trudging through quicksand. It was as though I was in a world of my own, my connections with people seemed at arm’s length. I tried different ways to find someone I could connect with on a communication level. I was naive and made mistakes. I prayed for God to guide my steps and to lead me where He wanted me. God was the one Person who stood with me. I started sorting out my severely neglected finances. I went out on a date with someone. But I was not really present. The grief was still sucking me down.
PHASE 5 - REINVESTMENT AND NEW MEANING
The final phase involves integrating the loss into one's life story, finding new purpose, and reinvesting emotional energy into the future.
The experience without help:
Many people never fully reach this phase. They may reach a plateau where they are functional but not fully engaged in life. They often remain anchored to the past, seeing their life as having ended when their loved one died. They struggle to find a new sense of purpose or meaning because they haven't consciously built a bridge from their old life to a new one, leading to a lingering sense of incompleteness.
My own journey:
Finally, some things started to fall into place. This phase initially meant I was now becoming more outward focused, and this became evident in differing contexts. God led me to a new church, more in keeping with my needs. I started to serve in this church, helping refugees, and translating the service into English so refugees could understand. I attended church regularly, and God was speaking to me through other people. Gradually I was being prepared for my next chapter.
ARE THE PHASES IN A PARTICULAR ORDER?
No. It is a critical distinction that these phases do not follow a predictable, linear order without intervention.
The person generally starts with Shock (Phase 1) and must eventually come to Acceptance (Phase 4), but in between, they will often:
- Cycle and circle back:
They might move from Confrontation back into Shock and then into Withdrawal, sometimes multiple times a day or week. A sudden trigger (a holiday, an anniversary, a song) can send them reeling backward, sometimes months or years after the initial loss. - My own journey:
This happened to me too. I would cycle through traumatic emotions, experience deep loneliness, stumble around trying to reach out, wonder why this all had to happen, was it even real? - Experience them simultaneously:
They might be in a state of emotional Withdrawal (Phase 3) while intellectually attempting Adjustment (Phase 4). - My own journey:
I didn’t notice phases so much, personally. It was like I was in a whirlpool and bits and pieces of the different phases would come and smash into me at unexpected moments. It was very confusing. I wondered if there would eventually be an end to the turmoil, and life would get back onto an even keel.
BUT THERE IS HOPE!
When the individual chooses to ask for assistance in navigating their grief journey, the picture can be quite different.
Having experienced what it is like to grieve without direction, and without guidance, I studied the subject of grief extensively. I became a hospice chaplain and assisted caregivers with their grief. I led many Celebration of Life services. I learned to help people navigate their own personal grief journey. I discovered that there is a way to hope, and a new purpose.
I developed a 5 step method to help people move from the anguish of grief, to coping with their emotions and loneliness and from there, to finding new reason for being, and thriving in their next chapter.
I wrote a book about this method, “From Grief to New Purpose”. If you would like to purchase this e-book, please click here. It is not yet available on Amazon, initially I will be making it available only from my website.
Sincerely,
– Gerry van der Wende
Founder of Advance Life Transformation
P.S. Please feel free to visit and explore our website www.advancelifetransformation.com.
