Finding Your Footing Again

Remember the day after the service?
The phone finally stopped ringing, the leftovers in the fridge start piling up, and the house fell deafeningly quiet.

You stood in the kitchen - maybe holding his favorite mug or looking at his shoes by the door - and the realization hits you: He isn’t coming back. What you are feeling right now is not a sign that you are falling apart. It just tells you that your whole world has shifted. When you lose your husband of many years, the grief changes everything. You might experience things that feel entirely overwhelming or confusing, such as:

• Waking up in the middle of the night to a sudden, sharp wave of panic that you can't shake.

• Standing in the grocery store aisle paralyzed because you are suddenly buying groceries for one, or you are staring at his favorite brand of coffee wondering if you should buy it or put it back.

• Feeling a physical exhaustion that sleep doesn't touch, no matter how many hours you spend in bed.

• Carrying around an exhausting worry about the future, wondering how you are going to take care of all the everyday decisions he used to take care of.

When the waves of grief feel heavy, it is hard to know how to get through the next hour, let alone the next month. But there are a few small steps you can take to help steady your footing:

• Allow yourself to feel whatever comes up. Tears, anger, numbness, or even a moment of relief - they are all okay. Stop trying to "stay strong" for everyone else and let yourself simply be yourself. You can be honest about how hard this is.

• Anchor your mornings with one small routine. When the whole day stretches out before you, and you feel so alone, choose one simple routine - like brewing your coffee and sitting by the window for ten minutes before looking at your phone or your to-do list.

• Lower your expectations for what a "good day" looks like. If all you did today was get out of bed, feed yourself, and breathe, that is a victory. Let go of any expectations of how you think you should be grieving.

• Find one safe person you can trust. You don't have to talk to a crowd of people. Find that one friend or family member who won't offer toxic positivity or try to "fix" it, but will just sit with you in the quiet and let you talk about him.

Contrary to what some may say, time actually does not heal all wounds. Some losses leave scars that change us forever. But the sharp, jagged edges of this pain will soften, and little by little, you will find moments of light breaking back into your days. He loved you, and that love doesn't end just because he is gone from this earth. It lives on right inside of your heart.

Take a deep breath, wrap your hands around your coffee cup, and just take the next step. You are stronger than you know, and you aren't walking this journey on your own.

What's next? If this post resonated with you, I invite you to join with our private community of women who truly understand what it's like to walk this road. I will be posting here regularly. Click here to connect with us, share your story, or simply read along at your own pace. You belong here. - Gerry

How Long Will I Grieve?

Here is a question. Why do some people grieve for many years, while others actively grieve for shorter periods.

What factors would play a role in this? Is it better to grieve over a long period than for a shorter period?

How Long Will My Grief Journey Take?

A question that comes up from time to time, is about how long grief will take before life takes on a semblance of normalcy. I was actively grieving the loss of my wife, for around nine months. Others I know grieved for years, some even many years.

We may want to know if there is a right way to do this. We want to know if a long road is better than a short one. The truth is that grief has no clock. It is not a race. It is a response to what we lost.

What Factors Affect The Time We Spend Grieving?

Many things affect the time you spend in the valley. For example, If you were married for fifty years, your life was woven into his. When he left, a part of your own identity left too. That takes time to rebuild.

If his death was sudden, a shock, your brain may stay in a state of protection. You stay numb to survive the blow. If he was ill for a long time, you might have started your walk through sorrow while he was still with you in the room.

Your past matters too. If you have faced loss before, you might have tools ready. If this is your first time in the fire, you are learning everything from the start.

None of these things make you weak. They just make your path, your individual journey.

Long vs. Short

Is it better to grieve for a long time? No. Is it better to move fast? No. What matters is how you move.

Some people move through the pain quickly because they have a high level of resilience. They process the hurt and find a way to carry the memory as they walk. This is a gift. It is not a sign that they loved him less.

Others stay in the pain for years. This can happen when the loss is tied to other things, like your home or your safety.

But there is a danger here. If the pain stays exactly the same for years, you might be stuck. You might be trapped in the initial shock and numbness stage, or not be able to move beyond the emotional turmoil. This could be a form of complicated grief, and if this is true, you may need to see a therapist who can help you through this. Complicated grief can hinder you objectively developing your new identity and moving into your new role and future

The Goal is Integration

In our community, we do not try to "get over" it. We do not try to leave our departed spouse behind. Instead, we learn to carry the love in a way that does not break us. We move from the sharp pain that stops our breath to a quiet love that walks beside us.

In my case, it is as though there is a part of me which remembers Leni. I am not actively thinking about her most of the time. But she is a part of me still. From time to time something will remind me of her. But without the deep pain of grieving. She is a part of me and that will never change. I remarried, and Dianne and I have been happily married for 25 years now. I am fully invested in our relationship. But my first wife still is a part of my memories, and I do not expect that will ever change.

Whether your walk takes months or years, the goal is the same. We want to find a way to honor the past while we step into the future God has for us.

Take a breath. Give yourself grace today. Your timeline is in His hands

- Gerry

Advancelifetransformation.com

When God Feels Far Away - Finding His Presence While Grieving

Your heart aches. The silence in your home can feel deafening, but sometimes, the loudest silence of all is the one you perceive from God. Perhaps, like so many people I've walked alongside, you lie awake at night, the darkness amplifying the questions that echo in your soul: "Where is God in all of this? Why did He allow this to happen to us?"

Perhaps, beneath those questions, there’s a deeper, unspoken pain – a feeling of spiritual pain so profound it shakes the very ground of your faith. You’re looking for God, longing for His comfort, and feeling His absence. You might even feel a sense of betrayal, struggling to reconcile the God of all comfort with the raw, unrelenting reality of your loss.

If these words resonate, please know this: You are not alone in these feelings, and your faith is not failing because you ask these questions. In fact, these are the cries of a heart yearning for truth, even amidst deep pain. And God, in His infinite understanding, hears every single cry. God's Understanding of Our Human Frailty The Bible is filled with stories of people who questioned God, who wrestled with Him, and who felt His absence. Job, overwhelmed by inexplicable suffering, cried out, "Why did I not perish at birth?" (Job 3:11). David, a man after God's own heart, penned laments like, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Psalm 22:1). Even Jesus Himself, on the cross, uttered those very words.

These aren't signs of weak faith; they are expressions of profound human anguish in the face of suffering too great to bear. God doesn't rebuke their questions; He welcomes them. He doesn't condemn our frailties; He understands them.

Think of it: God, who knit you together in your mother's womb, knows the intricate workings of your mind and heart. He knows the depths of human love and the devastation of its loss. He doesn't expect you to be a stoic, emotionless robot in grief. He sees your tears, hears your cries, and understands that sometimes, the most honest prayer is a whispered, "Why, Lord?"

His promise is not to prevent all pain, but to be present within it. Even when our feelings shout "no," His truth remains: "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18). His compassions never fail; they are new every morning, even if you can only glimpse them through tear-filled eyes. Who Are You Now? Personal vs. Spiritual Identity When your husband passed, so much of your "personal identity" shifted. You were a wife, perhaps a caregiver, a partner in countless shared routines, dreams, and social circles. Now, that deeply ingrained identity as "married" is gone, and you’re faced with the label of "widow."

This new self-perception can be incredibly heavy and discouraging. It can feel like a diminished version of yourself, a woman who is "less than" or "alone." This earthly view of ourselves, based on our roles and experiences, is naturally inconsistent. It changes with every life stage, every success, and every profound loss.

But: God’s view of you has never changed.

Before you were a wife, before you were a widow, you were, and always will be, a beloved daughter of the Most High King.

• Your Personal Identity: "I am a widow. My status has changed. My daily life is different. I am learning to navigate this new role." (This is real and valid.)

• Your Spiritual Identity: "I am a child of God, chosen, cherished, fearfully and wonderfully made. I am redeemed, forgiven, and eternally loved by my Creator, in whom all my worth is found." (This is eternal and unwavering.)

God doesn't see "widow" first; He sees His precious child. He sees the masterpiece He created, the one He sustains with every breath. He reminds us, "For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do" (Ephesians 2:10). His plans for you did not end with your husband's passing.

This unchanging view of God is your anchor in the storm of shifting identity. When you feel discouraged by your new status, when the world sees you as "just a widow," you can turn to God, your High Tower, your place of refuge. The way He sees you — as capable, cherished, and purposed — gives you encouragement for the future. You have moved from being married to being single again, but God's love for you, His plan for you, has never changed. This, my friend, is where hope for your future truly lies. Practical Steps to Align Your Thinking with God's Truth It's one thing to know this truth in your head, and another to feel it in your heart when grief is raging. But there are practical steps you can take to help align your thinking with God's unchanging view of you:

• Name the Lie, Claim the Truth: When you catch yourself thinking a discouraging thought about your new identity ("I'm just a widow now," "My life is over"), stop and consciously name it as a lie. Then, replace it with a biblical truth about who God says you are (e.g., "I am a new creation in Christ," "I am fearfully and wonderfully made," "God has plans for me"). Keep a list of these scriptures handy.

• Practice "Honest Prayer": Don't try to pray the perfect prayer. God doesn't need flowery words; He seeks your honest heart. Tell Him exactly how you feel – your anger, your confusion, your pain, your sense of betrayal. Just as the psalmists did, lay it all bare before Him. He is able to handle it.

• Immerse Yourself in God's Word (Even Briefly): Even if it's just one verse a day, read scripture that speaks about God's love, comfort, and purpose. Focus on Psalms, Lamentations, or the reassuring words of Jesus. Don't push yourself to do long devotions if you lack the energy. A single verse can be a helpful lifeline.

• Seek God in Nature: Sometimes, when words fail, simply stepping outside and observing God's creation can remind you of His vastness, His beauty, and His faithfulness. See the trees, the sky, the changing seasons – reminders of a Creator who sustains all things.

• Connect with Your Spiritual Community: Even when you feel isolated, reach out. Attend church (even if it's online), join a small group, or connect with a trusted Christian friend. Letting others minister to you, pray with you, and remind you of God’s presence is vital. You don’t have to do this alone.

• Embrace Your Grief as a Spiritual Process: See your grief not as an obstacle to your faith, but as a crucible through which your faith is being refined. God is working in the deep places of your heart, even when it feels like darkness.

Dear one, God has not left you. He is with you in every tear, every question, every moment of fear, and every glimmer of hope. Your identity in Him is secure, eternal, and full of purpose. Depend on that truth, even when your feelings say no. He is your High Tower, and He will guide you through this wilderness to a new season of grace.

Praying for you,

- Gerry

P.S. Please feel free to connect with me by email, by clicking here

Reclaiming Identity After Loss

Today I want to talk about something quite personal: your identity.

When you become a widow, it's not just your life that changes, but often, how you see yourself. The woman you were, the wife you were - that's deeply entwined with your past. Now, as a widow, you might find yourself grappling with a new, sometimes unsettling, sense of who you are, today.

It’s a natural part of this journey. The person you were as a married woman feels different from the person you are now. Your roles have shifted, your routines have changed, and the world often looks at you differently, too. This can feel disorienting, even discouraging. You might catch yourself thinking, "Who am I now?" or "Am I still valuable without my husband by my side?"

Personal Identity vs. Spiritual Identity

Let's take a look at this. We have what I will call our personal identity. This is how we see ourselves, shaped by our experiences, our roles, our relationships, and even our emotions. It’s fluid. Before, you might have identified strongly as a wife, a partner, a part of a couple. Now, that part of your personal identity has changed. You are a widow, and that new label can feel heavy.

Perhaps you feel diminished, or less whole. Maybe you struggle with loneliness, and that loneliness begins to define how you see yourself. These are real feelings, and they are valid. Our personal identity often changes with our circumstances, rising and falling with the tides of life.

But then there's your spiritual identity. This is very different. Your spiritual identity is how God sees you. And here’s the truth: His view of you has never, ever changed. It’s consistent, constant, and completely untouched by your circumstances, your marital status, or your grief.

Before your husband passed, God saw you as His dear daughter, fearfully and wonderfully made. Today, as a widow navigating loss, He still sees you as His beloved daughter, fearfully and wonderfully made. His love for you isn't dependent on your earthly roles; it's rooted in who He is, and who you are to Him.

The Impact Widowhood Has on Your Personal Identity

When we lean too heavily on our personal identity as a widow, it can change how we see ourselves:

• Isolation: You might feel set apart, different from your married friends, leading to isolation and withdrawal.
• Loss of Purpose: If your primary purpose was tied to your role as a wife, you might feel adrift.
• Diminished Self-Worth: You might mistakenly believe your value has lessened because you are no longer part of a couple.
• Fear of the Future: The unknown can seem vast and intimidating when your identity feels uncertain.

These feelings are powerful, and they can make the path forward seem blurry. It's okay to acknowledge them, but we don't have to let them define us entirely.

Turning to Our High Tower

Here’s where your spiritual identity becomes your rock. When those discouraging thoughts creep in, when you feel diminished or lost, you can turn to God. He is your "high tower," your "place of refuge." Think of a high tower as a place of perspective, a place where you can see beyond the immediate fog and fear.

From His perspective, you are not defined by your loss, but by His everlasting love and unchanging grace. He sees your strength, your resilience, and the beautiful spirit He placed within you. He sees His plans for your future, even when you can’t.

The way God sees us gives us immense encouragement. You've moved from being married to being single again, a significant shift in your personal life. But God's view of you, His precious child, has never wavered. This consistency is not only comforting; it’s a source of hope for His continued purpose for your life. He has a future for you, full of meaning and grace.

Aligning Your Thinking with God's Thinking

How can we practically align our often-shifting personal identity with God’s unwavering view of our spiritual identity? It’s a journey, not a destination, but here are some steps that can help:

• Spend Time in God’s Word: Read scriptures about His love for you, His promises, and how He sees His children. Focus on verses that declare your worth, your strength, and His faithfulness.
• Pray and Talk to Him: Share your feelings of confusion or discouragement about your identity. Ask Him to show you how He sees you. He delights in drawing near to you.
• Journal Your Thoughts: Write down how you feel about yourself as a widow. Then, write down what you know to be true about God’s view of you. This can help you see the difference and intentionally shift your focus.
• Affirm Your Spiritual Identity: Regularly declare out loud who God says you are: "I am a beloved child of God," "I am strong in His grace," "I am fearfully and wonderfully made."
• Connect with Supportive Believers: Share your struggles with trusted Christian friends or a small group. Their loving encouragement can remind you of God's truth.
• Identify New Purpose: As you heal, prayerfully consider how God might be calling you to use your experiences and gifts in new ways. This isn't about replacing your past, but embracing a meaningful future.
• Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself through this process. It takes time to grieve and to redefine. Remember that God's compassion for you is endless.Your journey is unique, but you are not alone. God holds you in His unfailing love. 

As you depend on His truth, your spiritual identity will anchor you, giving you strength, hope, and a clear vision for the future He has designed for you. Your present is a time of transition, to your future. You are cherished, you are valued, and your story is far from over.

Caring for you,

~ Gerry

P.S. Please feel free to connect with me by email, by clicking here.

How Long Will My Grief Last? - An Honest Answer

 

Hello, dear friends,

When I was grieving the loss of my wife Leni, I lost count of how many times I asked myself the question - “How long is this going to last?”

It seemed the grief was stretching out into infinity, like it would never end.

The emotional turmoil, the darkness and depression, was there going to be a point where I could put it behind me?

It's one of the most common questions people ask, and one I asked myself a thousand times: "How long will my grief last?" It's because you are tired. The days feel endless, and the nights can feel even longer. You may feel like you’re in a fog, and you just want to know when you'll be able to see the sun again.

If you are asking this question, it’s okay. It does not mean you have lost faith or are showing weakness. Essentially, it shows that you cared about the person whose loss you are grieving, and that your heart is working hard to heal from that trauma. It shows you are looking for clarity regarding your grief process.

The truth is, there is no set timeline for grief. Anyone who tries to give you a specific end date is not being honest with you. Your grief is as unique as the love you shared, and it will unfold in its own time.

Grief Isn’t a Race, It’s a Journey

We live in a world that loves quick fixes and fast results. We want to know the "how long" of everything. But grief doesn't work that way. It's not a race you can finish or a problem you can solve with a simple formula. It's a journey.

Think of it like walking through a vast and changing landscape. Some days, you might find yourself in a valley of deep sorrow, where every step is a struggle. Other days, you might reach a small summit and feel a moment of peace, a quiet joy that surprises you. And then you might unexpectedly find yourself back in a place of tears. This is all part of the journey.

The goal isn't for the pain to disappear. It’s for your heart to learn how to carry the weight of that pain in new ways, to grow stronger, and to find moments of light, even in the shadows. The waves of sadness may never fully go away, but over time, you will learn how to ride them. They won't knock you down with the same force they do today.

Waves are a good analogy. I was just looking at a video on Facebook. The waves come in. Sometimes they are tall, and immensely powerful. Sometimes there are small and just lap at the sand around your feet.

My experience, and that of many others, was that the waves start off like what seems to be a tidal wave, but gradually the waves seem to be smaller over time. It may be that it just seems that way, because your ability to cope with the wave has become stronger.

In time, you will find that you are able to cope with the reminders of your grief, more easily. Here are some thoughts to help you through this time.

God Walks with You

In the midst ofl this uncertainty, the most comforting truth is that God is with you in every single season. He isn't distant or impatient with your timeline. He doesn't expect you to "get over it" or move on before you're ready.

He is the God who "heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (Psalm 147:3). This verse tells us that He is actively involved in your healing. He is right there, beside you, collecting every tear, hearing every question, and patiently working to mend your heart. He is your compassionate guide who knows the path and will never leave your side.

Your sorrow doesn't push Him away. It invites Him closer.

Focus on the "Now," Not the "When"

Since we can't control the "how long," let's focus on the "what now." Instead of waiting for a day when the grief is gone, let's look at what we can do today to care for our hearts. Just one small, step at a time can make all the difference.

• Pray a Simple Prayer: When a wave of grief hits, you don't need a complicated prayer. Just whisper, "Lord, help me," or "God, I miss him." He hears you, and that's enough.
• Share Your Heart: Reach out to one trusted friend or a family member. You don't have to put on a brave face. Just say, "I'm having a hard day today," and let them hold a piece of your burden.
• Cherish a Memory: Instead of letting memories bring only sadness, choose one happy memory to sit with today. Look at a photo or listen to a song that reminds you of a joyful time. Let a little bit of that light back into your heart.

A Message of Hope and Endurance

My friend, there is no simple answer to "how long will my grief last?" The honest answer is: as long as it needs to. But what gives us hope is that you don’t have to walk that journey alone. God is with you, every step of the way, and in His perfect timing, He will bring you through the pain and into a renewed sense of purpose and peace.

You have the strength to endure this, because you are not carrying the weight by yourself.

Caring for you,

~ Gerry

P.S. Please feel free to connect with me by email, by clicking here.