Here is a question. Why do some people grieve for many years, while others actively grieve for shorter periods.
What factors would play a role in this? Is it better to grieve over a long period than for a shorter period?
How Long Will My Grief Journey Take?
A question that comes up from time to time, is about how long grief will take before life takes on a semblance of normalcy. I was actively grieving the loss of my wife, for around nine months. Others I know grieved for years, some even many years.
We may want to know if there is a right way to do this. We want to know if a long road is better than a short one. The truth is that grief has no clock. It is not a race. It is a response to what we lost.
What Factors Affect The Time We Spend Grieving?
Many things affect the time you spend in the valley. For example, If you were married for fifty years, your life was woven into his. When he left, a part of your own identity left too. That takes time to rebuild.
If his death was sudden, a shock, your brain may stay in a state of protection. You stay numb to survive the blow. If he was ill for a long time, you might have started your walk through sorrow while he was still with you in the room.
Your past matters too. If you have faced loss before, you might have tools ready. If this is your first time in the fire, you are learning everything from the start.
None of these things make you weak. They just make your path, your individual journey.
Long vs. Short
Is it better to grieve for a long time? No. Is it better to move fast? No. What matters is how you move.
Some people move through the pain quickly because they have a high level of resilience. They process the hurt and find a way to carry the memory as they walk. This is a gift. It is not a sign that they loved him less.
Others stay in the pain for years. This can happen when the loss is tied to other things, like your home or your safety.
But there is a danger here. If the pain stays exactly the same for years, you might be stuck. You might be trapped in the initial shock and numbness stage, or not be able to move beyond the emotional turmoil. This could be a form of complicated grief, and if this is true, you may need to see a therapist who can help you through this. Complicated grief can hinder you objectively developing your new identity and moving into your new role and future
The Goal is Integration
In our community, we do not try to "get over" it. We do not try to leave our departed spouse behind. Instead, we learn to carry the love in a way that does not break us. We move from the sharp pain that stops our breath to a quiet love that walks beside us.
In my case, it is as though there is a part of me which remembers Leni. I am not actively thinking about her most of the time. But she is a part of me still. From time to time something will remind me of her. But without the deep pain of grieving. She is a part of me and that will never change. I remarried, and Dianne and I have been happily married for 25 years now. I am fully invested in our relationship. But my first wife still is a part of my memories, and I do not expect that will ever change.
Whether your walk takes months or years, the goal is the same. We want to find a way to honor the past while we step into the future God has for us.
Take a breath. Give yourself grace today. Your timeline is in His hands
- Gerry
Advancelifetransformation.com
