How Long Will My Grief Last? - An Honest Answer

 

Hello, dear friends,

When I was grieving the loss of my wife Leni, I lost count of how many times I asked myself the question - “How long is this going to last?”

It seemed the grief was stretching out into infinity, like it would never end.

The emotional turmoil, the darkness and depression, was there going to be a point where I could put it behind me?

It's one of the most common questions people ask, and one I asked myself a thousand times: "How long will my grief last?" It's because you are tired. The days feel endless, and the nights can feel even longer. You may feel like you’re in a fog, and you just want to know when you'll be able to see the sun again.

If you are asking this question, it’s okay. It does not mean you have lost faith or are showing weakness. Essentially, it shows that you cared about the person whose loss you are grieving, and that your heart is working hard to heal from that trauma. It shows you are looking for clarity regarding your grief process.

The truth is, there is no set timeline for grief. Anyone who tries to give you a specific end date is not being honest with you. Your grief is as unique as the love you shared, and it will unfold in its own time.

Grief Isn’t a Race, It’s a Journey

We live in a world that loves quick fixes and fast results. We want to know the "how long" of everything. But grief doesn't work that way. It's not a race you can finish or a problem you can solve with a simple formula. It's a journey.

Think of it like walking through a vast and changing landscape. Some days, you might find yourself in a valley of deep sorrow, where every step is a struggle. Other days, you might reach a small summit and feel a moment of peace, a quiet joy that surprises you. And then you might unexpectedly find yourself back in a place of tears. This is all part of the journey.

The goal isn't for the pain to disappear. It’s for your heart to learn how to carry the weight of that pain in new ways, to grow stronger, and to find moments of light, even in the shadows. The waves of sadness may never fully go away, but over time, you will learn how to ride them. They won't knock you down with the same force they do today.

Waves are a good analogy. I was just looking at a video on Facebook. The waves come in. Sometimes they are tall, and immensely powerful. Sometimes there are small and just lap at the sand around your feet.

My experience, and that of many others, was that the waves start off like what seems to be a tidal wave, but gradually the waves seem to be smaller over time. It may be that it just seems that way, because your ability to cope with the wave has become stronger.

In time, you will find that you are able to cope with the reminders of your grief, more easily. Here are some thoughts to help you through this time.

God Walks with You

In the midst ofl this uncertainty, the most comforting truth is that God is with you in every single season. He isn't distant or impatient with your timeline. He doesn't expect you to "get over it" or move on before you're ready.

He is the God who "heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (Psalm 147:3). This verse tells us that He is actively involved in your healing. He is right there, beside you, collecting every tear, hearing every question, and patiently working to mend your heart. He is your compassionate guide who knows the path and will never leave your side.

Your sorrow doesn't push Him away. It invites Him closer.

Focus on the "Now," Not the "When"

Since we can't control the "how long," let's focus on the "what now." Instead of waiting for a day when the grief is gone, let's look at what we can do today to care for our hearts. Just one small, step at a time can make all the difference.

• Pray a Simple Prayer: When a wave of grief hits, you don't need a complicated prayer. Just whisper, "Lord, help me," or "God, I miss him." He hears you, and that's enough.
• Share Your Heart: Reach out to one trusted friend or a family member. You don't have to put on a brave face. Just say, "I'm having a hard day today," and let them hold a piece of your burden.
• Cherish a Memory: Instead of letting memories bring only sadness, choose one happy memory to sit with today. Look at a photo or listen to a song that reminds you of a joyful time. Let a little bit of that light back into your heart.

A Message of Hope and Endurance

My friend, there is no simple answer to "how long will my grief last?" The honest answer is: as long as it needs to. But what gives us hope is that you don’t have to walk that journey alone. God is with you, every step of the way, and in His perfect timing, He will bring you through the pain and into a renewed sense of purpose and peace.

You have the strength to endure this, because you are not carrying the weight by yourself.

Caring for you,

~ Gerry

P.S. Please feel free to connect with me by email, by clicking here.

It's Okay to Feel It All

Good morning dear friends, I’m thinking about you today. If you're walking the path of widowhood, you know it’s a journey no one truly understands until they’ve traveled it themselves. There are days when the sorrow feels like a physical weight, and others when a wave of something unexpected - like anger or confusion, or even a moment of relief - might surprise you. In our faith communities, we often talk about hope and peace, and those are vital. But sometimes, in our desire to be strong in faith, we unintentionally silence the very real, and often messy emotions that come with profound loss. Are You Giving Yourself Permission to Grieve Fully? Have you ever felt guilt for feeling angry at God, or at the unfairness of it all? Do you sometimes wonder if your sorrow is too much, or if acknowledging moments of unexpected relief means you didn't love your husband enough? Perhaps you’ve heard well-meaning advice to "be strong" or "have faith," and while those words come from a good place, they can sometimes make us feel like we're not allowed to simply feel. I remember after Leni passed, there were moments of overwhelming sadness, yes, but also a deep, confusing loneliness. Sometimes, a flash of frustration would hit me about something mundane. And in the quiet corners of my heart, there were even fleeting moments of a different kind of peace, a peace that felt almost forbidden, inappropriate in the circumstance. I questioned myself, "Is this okay? Am I grieving 'right'?" If you've ever felt this way, you are not alone. These feelings are not a sign of lacking faith; they are profoundly human responses to a profound loss. Your heart is bravely navigating uncharted territory, and it's doing its best to cope. Unpacking the "Messy" Middle of Grief Grief isn’t a straight line from A to B. It's more like a swirling ocean with powerful currents, unexpected waves, and moments of calm. In our Christian walk, we often focus on the promises of joy and peace. And those promises are true! But they don't negate the very real pain that precedes or accompanies them. It’s crucial to understand that God created us with emotions, and He fully understands and validates every single one of them. Think about the Psalms. David, a man after God's own heart, poured out his deepest angers, fears, and sorrows before the Lord. He didn't sanitize his feelings; he brought his raw self to God. In Psalm 13:1-2, he cries out, "How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?" This isn’t a man lacking faith; this is a man deeply in relationship with a God who can handle his rawest emotions. Your grief will present you with a kaleidoscope of feelings:

• Sorrow: The deep, aching sadness for what was and what will no longer be. This is often the most visible face of grief.
• Anger: Anger at the disease, the accident, the unfairness, or even at God. This is a normal response to feeling helpless or wronged.
• Loneliness: An intense feeling of being alone, even when surrounded by people. The unique loneliness of missing your life partner.
• Confusion: A disorientation about your identity, your future, or even your understanding of God's plan.
• Relief: Sometimes, after a long illness or difficult caregiving journey, a sense of relief can emerge. This doesn't diminish your love; it acknowledges the end of suffering for your loved one and perhaps for you.

These emotions are not roadblocks to your faith; they are part of the landscape of your healing. Suppressing them can actually hinder your journey toward renewed purpose. God doesn't expect you to be stoic; He invites you to be real with Him. He is big enough for your anger, tender enough for your tears, and wise enough for your confusion.

Creating Your Safe Harbor to Feel and Heal

The desire within you to process these complex emotions is healthy. You deserve a safe space - both internally and externally - where you can acknowledge every feeling without judgment, knowing it’s a normal and necessary part of your healing. This isn't about wallowing in self-pity; it's about acknowledging, processing, and ultimately moving through. When you give yourself permission to feel, you open the door for God’s transformative work. It’s in the acknowledgment of your pain that His comfort can truly meet you. It’s in releasing your anger that His peace can begin to settle. It’s in embracing your loneliness that you can truly experience His companionship. Think of it as tending a garden. You can’t just plant new seeds over weeds and expect them to flourish. You have to pull out the weeds—the tangled, painful emotions—to prepare the soil for new growth. This process of validation and processing is the spiritual gardening of your soul. And it is a testament not to a lack of faith, but to a profound trust that God is with you even in the messy parts. Here are some practical actions to help you create your safe space to feel and process your grief:

• Journal Your Emotions: Get a dedicated notebook. Write down everything you feel - no censoring, no judgment. If you're angry, write it down. If you're heartbroken, write it down. This is for your eyes only, and it's a powerful way to externalize what's inside.
• Find a Trusted Confidante: Identify one or two people (a close friend, family member, or spiritual mentor) with whom you feel completely safe to share your true feelings, even the "uncomfortable" ones. Ask them specifically to just listen without offering solutions or judgment.
• Talk to God About Everything: Just like David in the Psalms, bring your raw, unfiltered heart to God in prayer. He already knows what’s in your heart, and He can handle it. There’s no emotion that surprises Him.
• Allow for Tears: Don't hold back tears. They are a natural release of pain and a physical manifestation of grief. It’s okay to cry, even often.
• Use Creative Outlets: If writing isn't your primary outlet, try painting, drawing, listening to music, or even singing. Sometimes, expressing emotions non-verbally can be incredibly freeing.
• Set Healthy Boundaries with Well-Meaning People: It's okay to gently say, "I appreciate your concern, but right now I just need to process these feelings," if someone tries to minimize your grief or offer platitudes. You don't owe anyone a "brave face."
• Consider a Christian Grief Support Group: Being with others who understand provides an invaluable safe space. Hearing their experiences can validate your own, and sharing yours can bring immense relief.
• Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a dear friend going through the same pain. Acknowledge that you are doing the best you can in an incredibly difficult situation.

Embrace Your Healing Journey, One Feeling at a Time Friend, your feelings are valid. Every tear, every sigh, every moment of confusion, even every flicker of anger or peace - they are all part of your unique and sacred grief journey. God is not asking you to deny these emotions; He is inviting you to bring them to Him, to experience His comforting presence within them, and to allow them to be processed as part of your pathway to healing and renewed purpose. Take a deep breath right now. Acknowledge one feeling you’ve been holding onto. Give yourself permission to feel it, right now, with no judgment. Then, offer it to God. He is ready to meet you there, in the midst of it all. You are walking a brave path, and you are not alone. Step into this space of honest feeling, knowing that in doing so, you are honoring your heart and inviting deep, lasting healing. With warmth and understanding, Gerry van der Wende

P.S. If you would like to talk or pray, please write me here. I promise to respond within 24 hours.

The Missing in Kerrville County

According to the San Antonio News, as of today (July 14,2025), at least 132 people died in the Kerrville County flooding on Independence Day weekend. And over 160 people are still missing. Also, it is raining again, and rescue efforts had to be halted temporarily due to the threat of further flooding. Rescue workers were ordered to evacuate, for their own safety. This weekend I was thinking about the families and friends of those 160 people who are still missing. How horrific. It is now over a week since this natural disaster. Fathers, mothers, brothers and sisters have not yet been able to have closure about the loss of their loved ones. Please pray for the family and friends of those flood victims who have not (yet) been recovered. Pray for their comfort as they wait for news. That the Lord would give them peace, and thathey woul;d know their family members are in His care now. And if by some miracle some may still be alive, that they would be rescued and reunited with their families, quickly.

"Lord, please be with the families of all the floodwater victims in the Kerrville area. Whether their loved ones bodies have been found, or not yet. We pray for your comfort. And that you will guide them through their grief. Please lead them to others who will support them in this incomprehensible tragedy. We pray for your protection for the rescue workers, please keep them safe. We pray that you would stop the rain, that there would be no more flooding. And also that the water would drain away rapidly, to help the rescue workers. In Jesus' name, Amen." Sincerely,

Gerry van der Wende Advance Life Transformation. P.S. If you need prayer, please feel free to email me by clicking here. Be safe.

We Mourn With Kerrville, Texas

My own mourning on July 6, remembering the passing of my first wife Leni, pales into insignificance at the staggering loss of life in Kerrville, Texas and surrounding areas this weekend. Over 100 people, young and old, were drowned in overwhelming flooding in the Guadalupe River. 

We mourn with the families who lost children, parents, grandparents and friends in this incomprehensible event. Traumatic loss is terrible. Losing loved ones overnight shocks us to our core. We pray for the comfort of those who lost family and friends in this tragedy.

We also stand with those who were rescued. The events of this weekend will be etched in their minds for the rest of their days. They will experience a kaleidoscope of reactions to what happened to them and their friends and family. There will be survivor's guilt, wondering why they were spared and not their family members or friends. There will be shock and denial, grief at the loss of dear ones, anger at the loss, which may be deflected at people around them. There will be second-guessing of choices that were made, and resulting guilt feelings.

We grieve with you in this time of shock and mourning, and pray for the Lord’s comfort.

“Dear Lord, we pray for your comfort for all those affected by this unbelievable tragedy. Please touch each life individually in exactly the way that they need. You are a God who experienced loss, when Your Son Jesus lay in the tomb. You sent us the Comforter, the Holy Spirit, to stand with us in our grief. Please comfort the families and individuals in Kerrville and affected areas, with comfort only You can give. Thank you for always being with us. In Jesus name, Amen.” Caring for you, Gerry van der Wende Advance Life Transformation P.S. If you need prayer, please email us by clicking here. We will respond within 24 hours.

In Memoriam. For the Unborn.

I am grieving. For babies that never made it to birth. It was 2001. I was walking around, praying. I stepped into a small chapel, knelt at the altar, and cried. I cried and cried and cried. I sobbed my heart out. I grieved for little lives that were snatched away before coming to the birth. “I remember Mom. I listened to her comforting heartbeat and the muffled sounds of life outside. I heard and recognized Mom's gentle voice. I felt her hands touching me, I welcomed her caress. I felt protected and safe and cushioned. “What is happening? Loud words. Painful arguments. Tears. I cry too, my emotions are entwined with Mom’s. Then silence. It feels like days... Something cold brushes against me. I recoil in horror. Searing pain. Panic. Terror. Something grips my head, I can't twist away…" “Jesus holds me gently. I am safe. How did I get here? I don't remember the pain, tears and trauma. Where is Mom? A voice tells me I will meet Mom, later. That I'm totally safe, wanted, and loved.”  If you aborted your baby, for whatever reason, please know I don't judge you. Jesus loves you just as much as any person in his creation. The Bible says he doesn't want anyone to perish. That includes you. And me. So I care about you. If you had an abortion in the past, you may have experienced enormous regret afterwards. Many do. I want you to know that your little baby is safe, in heaven. Its every need is supplied. If you have made sure of your final destination, you will meet your child again. In a place where there are no tears or pain, no accusations or judgment. Only joy and love. If you haven’t done so yet, name your child. That little fetus was a person. Ask God to forgive you for what you did. If you are the husband who wanted the child aborted, the same applies to you. When we confess our sins to him and welcome Jesus into our lives, He forgives us. Talk to Him about your little baby. And look forward to the day when we will meet our loved ones who died in Christ. Even our tiny babies. Because that day is certain. Love,  Gerry van der Wende
Advance Life Transformation 

P.S. If you would like to talk, or need prayer, please email me here and I will get back to you. Know that Jesus loves you.

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Finding God's Comfort in the Midst of Your Grief

Hello dear friends,

It’s a quiet Sunday afternoon here, and my thoughts are with each of you. If you’re reading this, chances are your heart is heavy, a quiet ache that only those who have walked the path of grief can truly understand. When the person you built your life with is no longer physically by your side, your world can feel incredibly lonely. We miss having our spouse with us, our heart aches.

In those moments, one of the deepest cries of our spirit is for comfort. We long for a sense of peace that transcends our pain, a reassurance that we are not alone, and that our faith, which felt so strong before, can still hold us now.

Is Your Heart Crying Out for Comfort?

Do you ever find yourself staring into space, a wave of sadness washing over you, and wonder, "Where is God in this?" Perhaps you've prayed, poured out your heart, and yet the comfort feels elusive. You might be wrestling with the "why" - why this loss, why now, why me?

The truth is, these questions are natural. They are not a sign of weak faith, but a reflection of a deeply wounded heart seeking solace.

I’ve been there. I remember the piercing grief after Leni passed. There were days when the silence in the house was deafening, and the world outside seemed to spin on without a care. In those moments, the very foundation of my belief felt tested. Can God truly comfort a heart as broken as mine? Does He really see this specific, unique pain? Does He care about my sorrow?

If any of this resonates with you, please know that you are seen, you are heard, and you are not forgotten by God. Your desire for comfort and spiritual reassurance is more than a desire, it’s a deep need that God longs to meet.

Discovering the Unseen Embrace

When we are overwhelmed by sorrow, it can be hard to perceive God’s comfort.

Often, it can be a gentle whisper, a quiet peaceful presence, a subtle shift in perspective. Think of it like this: when we’re in a dark room, our eyes need time to adjust before we can see the faint outlines of objects. Similarly, in the darkness of grief, our spiritual eyes need to adjust to perceive God's comfort, which is always there, even when we can't feel it.

Our faith, even if it feels shaken by grief, can actually be the vessel through which God pours His comfort. It comes in the quiet moments of prayer, even if words fail us. Perhaps a familiar passage of scripture suddenly takes on new meaning. It's in the unexpected kindness of a friend, or the beauty of nature that reminds us of His creation. These are all touchpoints for His comforting presence.

The Bible tells us in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."

This isn't just a beautiful verse. It is true. God is the "God of all comfort." He doesn’t just offer comfort; He is comfort. And He is faithful to share that comfort with you, in all your troubles. This means your specific, unique trouble right now.

Knowing He Is With You, Always

Imagine for a moment being held in the gentlest, most loving embrace. An embrace that understands every tear, every fear, every unanswered question. That’s the embrace God offers us. His sovereignty, which can sometimes feel distant or even unfair in our grief, is actually the very thing that assures us of His unwavering control and goodness.

He is not surprised by your loss. He knew. And in His infinite wisdom, He is working all things for good, even if we cannot see the full tapestry yet.

This understanding doesn’t erase the pain, but it puts it into a larger context. It allows you to depend on His strength when you feel weakest, to trust His plan when confusion reigns, and to trust in His love when loneliness threatens to overwhelm.

Your faith doesn’t just sustain you. It connects you to the ultimate source of peace and healing.

This journey of grief is deeply personal, but it’s not meant to be walked alone. God walks with you every step of the way. He collects every tear (Psalm 56:8). He understands every groan (Romans 8:26). He is your refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble (Psalm 46:1).

Here are some practical actions you can take to help you experience this profound comfort and spiritual reassurance:

• Create a "Comfort Corner": Find a quiet spot in your home, maybe with a comfortable chair, your Bible, a journal, and a warm blanket. This becomes your dedicated space for connecting with God.

• Embrace Scriptural Comfort: Read Psalms like 23, 34, 46, and 121. Read them slowly, letting the words soak into your soul. Highlight or underline verses that speak directly to your heart.

• Journal Your "Why" Questions (and Your Answers): Write down your honest questions and doubts. Then, next to them, write down truths about God's character you know to be true (e.g., God is good, God is loving, God is faithful). This helps re-center your perspective.

• Listen to Worship Music: Find songs that uplift your spirit and focus on God's character. Let the melodies and lyrics wash over you, inviting His presence.

• Talk to Him, From Your Heart: You don't need fancy words. Just speak to God as you would to a loving Father or a trusted friend. Tell Him exactly how you feel, even if it may sound angry or confused. He can handle it.

• Find a Grief Supporter or Spiritual Mentor: Connect with another Christian who has experienced loss, or a pastor/mentor who can offer spiritual guidance and prayer. Sharing your heart can bring immense comfort.

• Practice Mindful Prayer/Meditation: Take a few minutes each day to simply be still in God’s presence. Breathe deeply, and focus on Him being with you, right now. You might try meditating on a single verse, like "I am with you always" (Matthew 28:20).

• Engage in Acts of Self-Care as Spiritual Care: Taking care of your physical and emotional self (adequate rest, healthy food, gentle exercise) isn't being selfish - it helps you be more receptive to God's comfort.

Action: Take a Step to Receive His Comfort Today

My friend, you don't have to carry this burden alone. God is not distant - He is closer than you can imagine. He longs to wrap you in His peace and remind you of His unfailing love. It’s okay to talk to Him about your pain, to wrestle with your questions, and to allow yourself to be comforted.

This week, I invite you to choose just one or two of the practical steps above. Start small, but make a start. Open your heart a little more to His presence. Seek His Word. And remember, every tear you shed is seen, every ache you feel is known, and every prayer you whisper is heard by the God of all comfort.

You are loved. You are strong. And you are walking this path with a faithful God who is eager to embrace you.

With warmth and hope,


Gerry van der Wende Advance Life Transformation PS: What is your biggest need right now? Please email us if you would like us to pray for you. We are here for you.

"Why, God?" - Some Thoughts on Understanding Pain

Good morning, friends. Here's a question that comes up in every heart touched by loss: Why does God allow pain? This question can feel especially heavy for those of us who have walked through the valley of the shadow. If God is good, if God is love, why does He allow suffering in our lives?

It's a question as old as time. There isn't always a simple answer, a neat package to tie up the mystery of suffering. But within the Bible, we find threads of understanding, not to erase the pain, but to help us navigate it.

One thing the Bible makes clear is that God didn't create suffering. He created a perfect world. But sin entered that world, and with it, pain and death. We live in a fallen world, and sometimes, pain is simply a consequence of that brokenness.

Think of it this way: if you drop a vase, it shatters. That's not the fault of the one who made the vase; it's the result of gravity and the vase's fragility. In a similar way, some suffering comes from living in a world where things break.

But that doesn't fully satisfy the question, does it? What about the pain that seems so focused and personal? The loss of a spouse, a devastating diagnosis, the ache of loneliness? Where is God in that?

The Bible offers several perspectives:

• Suffering can reveal our need for a Savior. Pain exposes our vulnerability. It reminds us that we aren't in control, that we need someone beyond ourselves. In our weakness, we find our strength in Him.

• Suffering can produce endurance and character. Romans 5:3-5 tells us that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Like a muscle that grows stronger under resistance, our faith can grow deeper and stronger through trials.

• Suffering can teach us compassion. When we've known pain, we can better understand the pain of others. We can "weep with those who weep" (Romans 12:15) not just with our words, but with our hearts.

• Suffering can draw us closer to Christ. Jesus himself suffered. He knows our pain. When we suffer, we share in His suffering, and can find a deeper connection with Him. 

• God can bring good out of suffering. This doesn't mean the suffering itself is good, but that God can use even the darkest experiences to bring about good in our lives and the lives of others. Romans 8:28 reminds us that God works all things together for the good of those who love him.

For those of us who are grieving, particularly widows, these words may sometimes feel hollow. Grief is a unique and agonizing journey. It can sometimes feel as though God has abandoned us. But He hasn't. He promises to be near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). He is the "God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles" (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).

Here are some actions to take to cope with your pain, and to find God in the midst of it:

1. Acknowledge your pain. Don't try to suppress it or pretend it doesn't exist. Be honest with yourself and with God about how you're feeling. Pour out your heart to Him. He can deal with your anger, your sadness, your confusion.

2. Immerse yourself in God's Word. The Bible is full of stories of people who suffered, and how God met them in their suffering. Find scriptures that speak to your situation. The Psalms, in particular, offer words of comfort, lament, and hope.

3. Connect with other believers. Don't isolate yourself. Find a community of faith where you can be supported and encouraged. Share your burdens with others, and allow them to share theirs with you.

4. Practice prayer and meditation. Spend time in quiet reflection, seeking God's presence. Ask Him for comfort, for guidance, for strength. Listen for His still, small voice.

5. Look for ways to serve others. It may seem counterintuitive when you're hurting, but focusing on the needs of others can actually bring healing and purpose to your own life. Use your experience to comfort and encourage those who are going through similar struggles.

I know that words can feel inadequate in the face of deep pain. But I pray that they will offer a glimmer of hope, a reminder that you are not alone, and that God is with you, even in the darkest valleys. He is the God who heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3). He will never leave you nor forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6).

Walking with you,

Gerry van der Wende

Advance Life Transformation

PS: Please email us if you would like us to pray. Let us know the situation. We will stand with you in prayer.