The Natural Unguided Grief Journey - But There is Hope!

It’s important to understand the natural, often chaotic path grief takes when a person doesn't have a map or a guide.

When a person processes grief without formal help or a structured framework, their experience is typically highly individual, unpredictable, and rarely follows a neat, prescribed order.

Here is an idea of the general emotional phases a grieving person tends to cycle through, and how they often appear without active intervention:


THE NATURAL UNGUIDED GRIEF JOURNEY

PHASE 1 - SHOCK AND DISBELIEF

This is the immediate, instinctive reaction to loss. The mind cannot process the magnitude of the pain, so it hits the "pause" button.

The experience without help: 
This phase is prolonged and often leads to emotional numbness and difficulty functioning. The person may go through the motions of funeral arrangements, work, and errands in a detached, robotic state. They may often repeat the loss to themselves ("He's really gone?") because the mind refuses to fully accept the reality. This can make them seem "strong" to others, but it's a very fragile state.

My own journey:
In my own grief journey (I did not have a grief recovery coach), I experienced this as total shock. The shock lasted a long time, but was particularly severe the first two weeks, until the family and friends left. For a while I just felt numb. I remember aimlessly watching TV, sitting on my own in the living room. I remember the lonely and sleepless nights.

PHASE 2 - CONFRONTATION AND SUFFERING

Once the initial shock wears off, the reality crashes down. This is the period of most intense, acute suffering.

The experience without help: 
This is where the overwhelming, unprocessed emotions explode. It is characterized by uncontrolled emotional waves (crying fits, intense anger, crushing sadness), and often leads to the person feeling isolated because the intensity of their feelings pushes others away. They struggle with the "whys" and "what ifs" with no framework to manage the guilt and confusion. This phase tends to dominate their life for an extended period, leading to depression and severe anxiety.

My own journey:
During this time the waves of emotion washed over me, relentlessly. I was lonely, the house was filled with pain, it was a dark time for me. In it all God was with me and helped me through it. But it was the toughest time of my life.

PHASE 3 - WITHDRAWAL AND REGRESSION

As the intensity of Phase 2 becomes unbearable, the person instinctively seeks to avoid the pain.

The experience without help: 
The griever often withdraws socially, fearing that engaging with the world will remind them of their loss or require too much energy. They may revert to unhealthy coping mechanisms (overeating, alcohol, obsessive busyness, or simply retreating to bed). Their motivation drops dramatically, and they may be "stuck" here for months or years, effectively putting their life on hold. Their world gets smaller and smaller.

My own journey:
I withdrew from people. I was isolated. I stopped attending church, I felt they didn’t understand what I was experiencing. I was still going through the motions at work, but inside I felt I was dying. My colleagues at work told me later that they had thought I was on my way out. I wasn’t taking care of myself, I wasn't eating enough. In one year, my dog died, Leni died, my cat died. Life was empty. 

PHASE 4 - ACCEPTANCE AND ADJUSTMENT

This phase involves the intellectual and emotional acknowledgement that the loss is permanent, and the slow work of rebuilding life commences.

The experience without help: 
This transition is slow and painful. Without guidance, the person often confuses "acceptance" with "getting over it," leading to intense guilt every time they have a moment of happiness or normalcy. They may struggle with redefining their identity and practical life skills (finances, household management) because they haven't been forced to actively address these issues. Progress is often marked by setbacks, as they have no tools to manage new emotional triggers.

My own journey:
The time came when I recognized I could take off my wedding ring. I tried to make new connections. But it was like I was trudging through quicksand. It was as though I was in a world of my own, my connections with people seemed at arm’s length. I tried different ways to find someone I could connect with on a communication level. I was naive and made mistakes. I prayed for God to guide my steps and to lead me where He wanted me. God was the one Person who stood with me. I started sorting out my severely neglected finances. I went out on a date with someone. But I was not really present. The grief was still sucking me down.

PHASE 5 - REINVESTMENT AND NEW MEANING

The final phase involves integrating the loss into one's life story, finding new purpose, and reinvesting emotional energy into the future.

The experience without help: 
Many people never fully reach this phase. They may reach a plateau where they are functional but not fully engaged in life. They often remain anchored to the past, seeing their life as having ended when their loved one died. They struggle to find a new sense of purpose or meaning because they haven't consciously built a bridge from their old life to a new one, leading to a lingering sense of incompleteness.

My own journey:
Finally, some things started to fall into place. This phase initially meant I was now becoming more outward focused, and this became evident in differing contexts. God led me to a new church, more in keeping with my needs. I started to serve in this church, helping refugees, and translating the service into English so refugees could understand. I attended church regularly, and God was speaking to me through other people. Gradually I was being prepared for my next chapter. 

ARE THE PHASES IN A PARTICULAR ORDER?

No. It is a critical distinction that these phases do not follow a predictable, linear order without intervention. 

The person generally starts with Shock (Phase 1) and must eventually come to Acceptance (Phase 4), but in between, they will often:

• Cycle and circle back: 
  They might move from Confrontation back into Shock and then into Withdrawal, sometimes multiple times a day or week. A sudden trigger (a holiday, an anniversary, a song) can send them reeling backward, sometimes months or years after the initial loss.
  
  
• My own journey:
  This happened to me too. I would cycle through traumatic emotions, experience deep loneliness, stumble around trying to reach out, wonder why this all had to happen, was it even real?
  
  
• Experience them simultaneously: 
  They might be in a state of emotional Withdrawal (Phase 3) while intellectually attempting Adjustment (Phase 4). 
  
  
• My own journey:
  I didn’t notice phases so much, personally. It was like I was in a whirlpool and bits and pieces of the different phases would come and smash into me at unexpected moments. It was very confusing. I wondered if there would eventually be an end to the turmoil, and life would get back onto an even keel. 

Without a conscious framework to help sort, label, and process these feelings, the individual remains subject to the whiplash of their emotions, making the grief journey feel chaotic, endless, and entirely overwhelming.

BUT THERE IS HOPE!

When the individual chooses to ask for assistance in navigating their grief journey, the picture can be quite different.

Having experienced what it is like to grieve without direction, and without guidance, I studied the subject of grief extensively. I became a hospice chaplain and assisted caregivers with their grief. I led many Celebration of Life services. I learned to help people navigate their own personal grief journey. I discovered that there is a way to hope, and a new purpose. 

I developed a 5 step method to help people move from the anguish of grief, to coping with their emotions and loneliness and from there, to finding new reason for being, and thriving in their next chapter.

I wrote a book about this method, “From Grief to New Purpose”. If you would like to purchase this e-book, please click here. It is not yet available on Amazon, initially I will be making it available only from my website.

Sincerely,

– Gerry van der Wende
Founder of Advance Life Transformation

P.S. Please feel free to visit and explore our website www.advancelifetransformation.com. 

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When God Feels Far Away - Finding His Presence While Grieving

Your heart aches. The silence in your home can feel deafening, but sometimes, the loudest silence of all is the one you perceive from God. Perhaps, like so many people I've walked alongside, you lie awake at night, the darkness amplifying the questions that echo in your soul: "Where is God in all of this? Why did He allow this to happen to us?"

Perhaps, beneath those questions, there’s a deeper, unspoken pain – a feeling of spiritual pain so profound it shakes the very ground of your faith. You’re looking for God, longing for His comfort, and feeling His absence. You might even feel a sense of betrayal, struggling to reconcile the God of all comfort with the raw, unrelenting reality of your loss.

If these words resonate, please know this: You are not alone in these feelings, and your faith is not failing because you ask these questions. In fact, these are the cries of a heart yearning for truth, even amidst deep pain. And God, in His infinite understanding, hears every single cry.

God's Understanding of Our Human Frailty

The Bible is filled with stories of people who questioned God, who wrestled with Him, and who felt His absence. Job, overwhelmed by inexplicable suffering, cried out, "Why did I not perish at birth?" (Job 3:11). David, a man after God's own heart, penned laments like, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Psalm 22:1). Even Jesus Himself, on the cross, uttered those very words.

These aren't signs of weak faith; they are expressions of profound human anguish in the face of suffering too great to bear. God doesn't rebuke their questions; He welcomes them. He doesn't condemn our frailties; He understands them.

Think of it: God, who knit you together in your mother's womb, knows the intricate workings of your mind and heart. He knows the depths of human love and the devastation of its loss. He doesn't expect you to be a stoic, emotionless robot in grief. He sees your tears, hears your cries, and understands that sometimes, the most honest prayer is a whispered, "Why, Lord?"

His promise is not to prevent all pain, but to be present within it. Even when our feelings shout "no," His truth remains: "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18). His compassions never fail; they are new every morning, even if you can only glimpse them through tear-filled eyes.

Who Are You Now? Personal vs. Spiritual Identity

When your husband passed, so much of your "personal identity" shifted. You were a wife, perhaps a caregiver, a partner in countless shared routines, dreams, and social circles. Now, that deeply ingrained identity as "married" is gone, and you’re faced with the label of "widow."

This new self-perception can be incredibly heavy and discouraging. It can feel like a diminished version of yourself, a woman who is "less than" or "alone." This earthly view of ourselves, based on our roles and experiences, is naturally inconsistent. It changes with every life stage, every success, and every profound loss.

But: God’s view of you has never changed.

Before you were a wife, before you were a widow, you were, and always will be, a beloved daughter of the Most High King.

• Your Personal Identity: "I am a widow. My status has changed. My daily life is different. I am learning to navigate this new role." (This is real and valid.)

• Your Spiritual Identity: "I am a child of God, chosen, cherished, fearfully and wonderfully made. I am redeemed, forgiven, and eternally loved by my Creator, in whom all my worth is found." (This is eternal and unwavering.)

God doesn't see "widow" first; He sees His precious child. He sees the masterpiece He created, the one He sustains with every breath. He reminds us, "For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do" (Ephesians 2:10). His plans for you did not end with your husband's passing.

This unchanging view of God is your anchor in the storm of shifting identity. When you feel discouraged by your new status, when the world sees you as "just a widow," you can turn to God, your High Tower, your place of refuge. The way He sees you — as capable, cherished, and purposed — gives you encouragement for the future. You have moved from being married to being single again, but God's love for you, His plan for you, has never changed. This, my friend, is where hope for your future truly lies.

Practical Steps to Align Your Thinking with God's Truth

It's one thing to know this truth in your head, and another to feel it in your heart when grief is raging. But there are practical steps you can take to help align your thinking with God's unchanging view of you:

• Name the Lie, Claim the Truth: When you catch yourself thinking a discouraging thought about your new identity ("I'm just a widow now," "My life is over"), stop and consciously name it as a lie. Then, replace it with a biblical truth about who God says you are (e.g., "I am a new creation in Christ," "I am fearfully and wonderfully made," "God has plans for me"). Keep a list of these scriptures handy.

• Practice "Honest Prayer": Don't try to pray the perfect prayer. God doesn't need flowery words; He seeks your honest heart. Tell Him exactly how you feel – your anger, your confusion, your pain, your sense of betrayal. Just as the psalmists did, lay it all bare before Him. He is able to handle it.

• Immerse Yourself in God's Word (Even Briefly): Even if it's just one verse a day, read scripture that speaks about God's love, comfort, and purpose. Focus on Psalms, Lamentations, or the reassuring words of Jesus. Don't push yourself to do long devotions if you lack the energy. A single verse can be a helpful lifeline.

• Seek God in Nature: Sometimes, when words fail, simply stepping outside and observing God's creation can remind you of His vastness, His beauty, and His faithfulness. See the trees, the sky, the changing seasons – reminders of a Creator who sustains all things.

• Connect with Your Spiritual Community: Even when you feel isolated, reach out. Attend church (even if it's online), join a small group, or connect with a trusted Christian friend. Letting others minister to you, pray with you, and remind you of God’s presence is vital. You don’t have to do this alone.

• Embrace Your Grief as a Spiritual Process: See your grief not as an obstacle to your faith, but as a crucible through which your faith is being refined. God is working in the deep places of your heart, even when it feels like darkness.

Dear one, God has not left you. He is with you in every tear, every question, every moment of fear, and every glimmer of hope. Your identity in Him is secure, eternal, and full of purpose. Depend on that truth, even when your feelings say no. He is your High Tower, and He will guide you through this wilderness to a new season of grace.

Praying for you,

--- Gerry

P.S. Please feel free to connect with me by email, by clicking here

Reclaiming Identity After Loss

Today I want to talk about something quite personal: your identity.

When you become a widow, it's not just your life that changes, but often, how you see yourself. The woman you were, the wife you were - that's deeply entwined with your past. Now, as a widow, you might find yourself grappling with a new, sometimes unsettling, sense of who you are, today.

It’s a natural part of this journey. The person you were as a married woman feels different from the person you are now. Your roles have shifted, your routines have changed, and the world often looks at you differently, too. This can feel disorienting, even discouraging. You might catch yourself thinking, "Who am I now?" or "Am I still valuable without my husband by my side?"

Personal Identity vs. Spiritual Identity

Let's take a look at this. We have what I will call our personal identity. This is how we see ourselves, shaped by our experiences, our roles, our relationships, and even our emotions. It’s fluid. Before, you might have identified strongly as a wife, a partner, a part of a couple. Now, that part of your personal identity has changed. You are a widow, and that new label can feel heavy.

Perhaps you feel diminished, or less whole. Maybe you struggle with loneliness, and that loneliness begins to define how you see yourself. These are real feelings, and they are valid. Our personal identity often changes with our circumstances, rising and falling with the tides of life.

But then there's your spiritual identity. This is very different. Your spiritual identity is how God sees you. And here’s the truth: His view of you has never, ever changed. It’s consistent, constant, and completely untouched by your circumstances, your marital status, or your grief.

Before your husband passed, God saw you as His dear daughter, fearfully and wonderfully made. Today, as a widow navigating loss, He still sees you as His beloved daughter, fearfully and wonderfully made. His love for you isn't dependent on your earthly roles; it's rooted in who He is, and who you are to Him.

The Impact Widowhood Has on Your Personal Identity

When we lean too heavily on our personal identity as a widow, it can change how we see ourselves:

• Isolation: You might feel set apart, different from your married friends, leading to isolation and withdrawal.
• Loss of Purpose: If your primary purpose was tied to your role as a wife, you might feel adrift.
• Diminished Self-Worth: You might mistakenly believe your value has lessened because you are no longer part of a couple.
• Fear of the Future: The unknown can seem vast and intimidating when your identity feels uncertain.

These feelings are powerful, and they can make the path forward seem blurry. It's okay to acknowledge them, but we don't have to let them define us entirely.

Turning to Our High Tower

Here’s where your spiritual identity becomes your rock. When those discouraging thoughts creep in, when you feel diminished or lost, you can turn to God. He is your "high tower," your "place of refuge." Think of a high tower as a place of perspective, a place where you can see beyond the immediate fog and fear.

From His perspective, you are not defined by your loss, but by His everlasting love and unchanging grace. He sees your strength, your resilience, and the beautiful spirit He placed within you. He sees His plans for your future, even when you can’t.

The way God sees us gives us immense encouragement. You've moved from being married to being single again, a significant shift in your personal life. But God's view of you, His precious child, has never wavered. This consistency is not only comforting; it’s a source of hope for His continued purpose for your life. He has a future for you, full of meaning and grace.

Aligning Your Thinking with God's Thinking

How can we practically align our often-shifting personal identity with God’s unwavering view of our spiritual identity? It’s a journey, not a destination, but here are some steps that can help:

• Spend Time in God’s Word: Read scriptures about His love for you, His promises, and how He sees His children. Focus on verses that declare your worth, your strength, and His faithfulness.
• Pray and Talk to Him: Share your feelings of confusion or discouragement about your identity. Ask Him to show you how He sees you. He delights in drawing near to you.
• Journal Your Thoughts: Write down how you feel about yourself as a widow. Then, write down what you know to be true about God’s view of you. This can help you see the difference and intentionally shift your focus.
• Affirm Your Spiritual Identity: Regularly declare out loud who God says you are: "I am a beloved child of God," "I am strong in His grace," "I am fearfully and wonderfully made."
• Connect with Supportive Believers: Share your struggles with trusted Christian friends or a small group. Their loving encouragement can remind you of God's truth.
• Identify New Purpose: As you heal, prayerfully consider how God might be calling you to use your experiences and gifts in new ways. This isn't about replacing your past, but embracing a meaningful future.
• Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself through this process. It takes time to grieve and to redefine. Remember that God's compassion for you is endless.Your journey is unique, but you are not alone. God holds you in His unfailing love. 

As you depend on His truth, your spiritual identity will anchor you, giving you strength, hope, and a clear vision for the future He has designed for you. Your present is a time of transition, to your future. You are cherished, you are valued, and your story is far from over.

Caring for you,

~ Gerry

P.S. Please feel free to connect with me by email, by clicking here.

How Long Will My Grief Last? - An Honest Answer

 

Hello, dear friends,

When I was grieving the loss of my wife Leni, I lost count of how many times I asked myself the question - “How long is this going to last?”

It seemed the grief was stretching out into infinity, like it would never end.

The emotional turmoil, the darkness and depression, was there going to be a point where I could put it behind me?

It's one of the most common questions people ask, and one I asked myself a thousand times: "How long will my grief last?" It's because you are tired. The days feel endless, and the nights can feel even longer. You may feel like you’re in a fog, and you just want to know when you'll be able to see the sun again.

If you are asking this question, it’s okay. It does not mean you have lost faith or are showing weakness. Essentially, it shows that you cared about the person whose loss you are grieving, and that your heart is working hard to heal from that trauma. It shows you are looking for clarity regarding your grief process.

The truth is, there is no set timeline for grief. Anyone who tries to give you a specific end date is not being honest with you. Your grief is as unique as the love you shared, and it will unfold in its own time.

Grief Isn’t a Race, It’s a Journey

We live in a world that loves quick fixes and fast results. We want to know the "how long" of everything. But grief doesn't work that way. It's not a race you can finish or a problem you can solve with a simple formula. It's a journey.

Think of it like walking through a vast and changing landscape. Some days, you might find yourself in a valley of deep sorrow, where every step is a struggle. Other days, you might reach a small summit and feel a moment of peace, a quiet joy that surprises you. And then you might unexpectedly find yourself back in a place of tears. This is all part of the journey.

The goal isn't for the pain to disappear. It’s for your heart to learn how to carry the weight of that pain in new ways, to grow stronger, and to find moments of light, even in the shadows. The waves of sadness may never fully go away, but over time, you will learn how to ride them. They won't knock you down with the same force they do today.

Waves are a good analogy. I was just looking at a video on Facebook. The waves come in. Sometimes they are tall, and immensely powerful. Sometimes there are small and just lap at the sand around your feet.

My experience, and that of many others, was that the waves start off like what seems to be a tidal wave, but gradually the waves seem to be smaller over time. It may be that it just seems that way, because your ability to cope with the wave has become stronger.

In time, you will find that you are able to cope with the reminders of your grief, more easily. Here are some thoughts to help you through this time.

God Walks with You

In the midst ofl this uncertainty, the most comforting truth is that God is with you in every single season. He isn't distant or impatient with your timeline. He doesn't expect you to "get over it" or move on before you're ready.

He is the God who "heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (Psalm 147:3). This verse tells us that He is actively involved in your healing. He is right there, beside you, collecting every tear, hearing every question, and patiently working to mend your heart. He is your compassionate guide who knows the path and will never leave your side.

Your sorrow doesn't push Him away. It invites Him closer.

Focus on the "Now," Not the "When"

Since we can't control the "how long," let's focus on the "what now." Instead of waiting for a day when the grief is gone, let's look at what we can do today to care for our hearts. Just one small, step at a time can make all the difference.

• Pray a Simple Prayer: When a wave of grief hits, you don't need a complicated prayer. Just whisper, "Lord, help me," or "God, I miss him." He hears you, and that's enough.
• Share Your Heart: Reach out to one trusted friend or a family member. You don't have to put on a brave face. Just say, "I'm having a hard day today," and let them hold a piece of your burden.
• Cherish a Memory: Instead of letting memories bring only sadness, choose one happy memory to sit with today. Look at a photo or listen to a song that reminds you of a joyful time. Let a little bit of that light back into your heart.

A Message of Hope and Endurance

My friend, there is no simple answer to "how long will my grief last?" The honest answer is: as long as it needs to. But what gives us hope is that you don’t have to walk that journey alone. God is with you, every step of the way, and in His perfect timing, He will bring you through the pain and into a renewed sense of purpose and peace.

You have the strength to endure this, because you are not carrying the weight by yourself.

Caring for you,

~ Gerry

P.S. Please feel free to connect with me by email, by clicking here.

It's Okay to Feel It All

Good morning dear friends, I’m thinking about you today. If you're walking the path of widowhood, you know it’s a journey no one truly understands until they’ve traveled it themselves. There are days when the sorrow feels like a physical weight, and others when a wave of something unexpected - like anger or confusion, or even a moment of relief - might surprise you. In our faith communities, we often talk about hope and peace, and those are vital. But sometimes, in our desire to be strong in faith, we unintentionally silence the very real, and often messy emotions that come with profound loss. Are You Giving Yourself Permission to Grieve Fully? Have you ever felt guilt for feeling angry at God, or at the unfairness of it all? Do you sometimes wonder if your sorrow is too much, or if acknowledging moments of unexpected relief means you didn't love your husband enough? Perhaps you’ve heard well-meaning advice to "be strong" or "have faith," and while those words come from a good place, they can sometimes make us feel like we're not allowed to simply feel. I remember after Leni passed, there were moments of overwhelming sadness, yes, but also a deep, confusing loneliness. Sometimes, a flash of frustration would hit me about something mundane. And in the quiet corners of my heart, there were even fleeting moments of a different kind of peace, a peace that felt almost forbidden, inappropriate in the circumstance. I questioned myself, "Is this okay? Am I grieving 'right'?" If you've ever felt this way, you are not alone. These feelings are not a sign of lacking faith; they are profoundly human responses to a profound loss. Your heart is bravely navigating uncharted territory, and it's doing its best to cope. Unpacking the "Messy" Middle of Grief Grief isn’t a straight line from A to B. It's more like a swirling ocean with powerful currents, unexpected waves, and moments of calm. In our Christian walk, we often focus on the promises of joy and peace. And those promises are true! But they don't negate the very real pain that precedes or accompanies them. It’s crucial to understand that God created us with emotions, and He fully understands and validates every single one of them. Think about the Psalms. David, a man after God's own heart, poured out his deepest angers, fears, and sorrows before the Lord. He didn't sanitize his feelings; he brought his raw self to God. In Psalm 13:1-2, he cries out, "How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?" This isn’t a man lacking faith; this is a man deeply in relationship with a God who can handle his rawest emotions. Your grief will present you with a kaleidoscope of feelings:

• Sorrow: The deep, aching sadness for what was and what will no longer be. This is often the most visible face of grief.
• Anger: Anger at the disease, the accident, the unfairness, or even at God. This is a normal response to feeling helpless or wronged.
• Loneliness: An intense feeling of being alone, even when surrounded by people. The unique loneliness of missing your life partner.
• Confusion: A disorientation about your identity, your future, or even your understanding of God's plan.
• Relief: Sometimes, after a long illness or difficult caregiving journey, a sense of relief can emerge. This doesn't diminish your love; it acknowledges the end of suffering for your loved one and perhaps for you.

These emotions are not roadblocks to your faith; they are part of the landscape of your healing. Suppressing them can actually hinder your journey toward renewed purpose. God doesn't expect you to be stoic; He invites you to be real with Him. He is big enough for your anger, tender enough for your tears, and wise enough for your confusion.

Creating Your Safe Harbor to Feel and Heal

The desire within you to process these complex emotions is healthy. You deserve a safe space - both internally and externally - where you can acknowledge every feeling without judgment, knowing it’s a normal and necessary part of your healing. This isn't about wallowing in self-pity; it's about acknowledging, processing, and ultimately moving through. When you give yourself permission to feel, you open the door for God’s transformative work. It’s in the acknowledgment of your pain that His comfort can truly meet you. It’s in releasing your anger that His peace can begin to settle. It’s in embracing your loneliness that you can truly experience His companionship. Think of it as tending a garden. You can’t just plant new seeds over weeds and expect them to flourish. You have to pull out the weeds—the tangled, painful emotions—to prepare the soil for new growth. This process of validation and processing is the spiritual gardening of your soul. And it is a testament not to a lack of faith, but to a profound trust that God is with you even in the messy parts. Here are some practical actions to help you create your safe space to feel and process your grief:

• Journal Your Emotions: Get a dedicated notebook. Write down everything you feel - no censoring, no judgment. If you're angry, write it down. If you're heartbroken, write it down. This is for your eyes only, and it's a powerful way to externalize what's inside.
• Find a Trusted Confidante: Identify one or two people (a close friend, family member, or spiritual mentor) with whom you feel completely safe to share your true feelings, even the "uncomfortable" ones. Ask them specifically to just listen without offering solutions or judgment.
• Talk to God About Everything: Just like David in the Psalms, bring your raw, unfiltered heart to God in prayer. He already knows what’s in your heart, and He can handle it. There’s no emotion that surprises Him.
• Allow for Tears: Don't hold back tears. They are a natural release of pain and a physical manifestation of grief. It’s okay to cry, even often.
• Use Creative Outlets: If writing isn't your primary outlet, try painting, drawing, listening to music, or even singing. Sometimes, expressing emotions non-verbally can be incredibly freeing.
• Set Healthy Boundaries with Well-Meaning People: It's okay to gently say, "I appreciate your concern, but right now I just need to process these feelings," if someone tries to minimize your grief or offer platitudes. You don't owe anyone a "brave face."
• Consider a Christian Grief Support Group: Being with others who understand provides an invaluable safe space. Hearing their experiences can validate your own, and sharing yours can bring immense relief.
• Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a dear friend going through the same pain. Acknowledge that you are doing the best you can in an incredibly difficult situation.

Embrace Your Healing Journey, One Feeling at a Time Friend, your feelings are valid. Every tear, every sigh, every moment of confusion, even every flicker of anger or peace - they are all part of your unique and sacred grief journey. God is not asking you to deny these emotions; He is inviting you to bring them to Him, to experience His comforting presence within them, and to allow them to be processed as part of your pathway to healing and renewed purpose. Take a deep breath right now. Acknowledge one feeling you’ve been holding onto. Give yourself permission to feel it, right now, with no judgment. Then, offer it to God. He is ready to meet you there, in the midst of it all. You are walking a brave path, and you are not alone. Step into this space of honest feeling, knowing that in doing so, you are honoring your heart and inviting deep, lasting healing. With warmth and understanding, Gerry van der Wende

P.S. If you would like to talk or pray, please write me here. I promise to respond within 24 hours.

The Missing in Kerrville County

According to the San Antonio News, as of today (July 14,2025), at least 132 people died in the Kerrville County flooding on Independence Day weekend. And over 160 people are still missing. Also, it is raining again, and rescue efforts had to be halted temporarily due to the threat of further flooding. Rescue workers were ordered to evacuate, for their own safety. This weekend I was thinking about the families and friends of those 160 people who are still missing. How horrific. It is now over a week since this natural disaster. Fathers, mothers, brothers and sisters have not yet been able to have closure about the loss of their loved ones. Please pray for the family and friends of those flood victims who have not (yet) been recovered. Pray for their comfort as they wait for news. That the Lord would give them peace, and thathey woul;d know their family members are in His care now. And if by some miracle some may still be alive, that they would be rescued and reunited with their families, quickly.

"Lord, please be with the families of all the floodwater victims in the Kerrville area. Whether their loved ones bodies have been found, or not yet. We pray for your comfort. And that you will guide them through their grief. Please lead them to others who will support them in this incomprehensible tragedy. We pray for your protection for the rescue workers, please keep them safe. We pray that you would stop the rain, that there would be no more flooding. And also that the water would drain away rapidly, to help the rescue workers. In Jesus' name, Amen." Sincerely,

Gerry van der Wende Advance Life Transformation. P.S. If you need prayer, please feel free to email me by clicking here. Be safe.

We Mourn With Kerrville, Texas

My own mourning on July 6, remembering the passing of my first wife Leni, pales into insignificance at the staggering loss of life in Kerrville, Texas and surrounding areas this weekend. Over 100 people, young and old, were drowned in overwhelming flooding in the Guadalupe River. 

We mourn with the families who lost children, parents, grandparents and friends in this incomprehensible event. Traumatic loss is terrible. Losing loved ones overnight shocks us to our core. We pray for the comfort of those who lost family and friends in this tragedy.

We also stand with those who were rescued. The events of this weekend will be etched in their minds for the rest of their days. They will experience a kaleidoscope of reactions to what happened to them and their friends and family. There will be survivor's guilt, wondering why they were spared and not their family members or friends. There will be shock and denial, grief at the loss of dear ones, anger at the loss, which may be deflected at people around them. There will be second-guessing of choices that were made, and resulting guilt feelings.

We grieve with you in this time of shock and mourning, and pray for the Lord’s comfort.

“Dear Lord, we pray for your comfort for all those affected by this unbelievable tragedy. Please touch each life individually in exactly the way that they need. You are a God who experienced loss, when Your Son Jesus lay in the tomb. You sent us the Comforter, the Holy Spirit, to stand with us in our grief. Please comfort the families and individuals in Kerrville and affected areas, with comfort only You can give. Thank you for always being with us. In Jesus name, Amen.” Caring for you, Gerry van der Wende Advance Life Transformation P.S. If you need prayer, please email us by clicking here. We will respond within 24 hours.