Reflect - Acknowledge the Reality of Your Loss and the Depth of Your Grief
Grief is one of the deepest and most painful experiences a person can endure. It shakes your world, changes your identity, and forces you to confront emotions you never expected. When you lose someone you love—especially a spouse—you are left with an emptiness that feels impossible to fill.
Many people try to rush through grief. They distract themselves, suppress their emotions, or tell themselves to “be strong.” But true healing doesn’t come from ignoring pain—it comes from facing it, head-on.
That’s why the first phase in the RESET Grief Recovery Method is Reflect. Before you can move forward, you must take time to acknowledge the reality of your loss and the depth of your grief.
This step is not about “getting over” your loved one. It’s about fully recognizing what has happened, allowing yourself to grieve, and begin the journey toward healing.
Let’s walk through what this looks like in real life.
Why Reflection is Crucial in Grief Recovery
Many people try to push past grief too quickly. They keep busy, avoid talking about their loss, or convince themselves they should be stronger or “better” by now.
But grief doesn’t work that way.
You can’t heal what you refuse to face.
You can’t move forward if you pretend nothing has changed.
You can’t find peace if you haven’t allowed yourself to process your pain.
The Reflect phase is about giving yourself permission to grieve. It’s about sitting with your emotions, allowing yourself to feel the weight of your loss, and understanding how it has changed your life.
In Scripture, we see many examples of people acknowledging their grief before finding healing.
David openly grieved when his son died, writing, “My soul is in deep anguish. How long, Lord, how long?” (Psalm 6:3).
Job did not hide his pain, saying, “My days are swifter than a weaver’s shuttle, and they come to an end without hope” (Job 7:6).
Jesus wept when His friend Lazarus died (John 11:35), showing that acknowledging grief is a necessary part of healing.
God does not expect you to “be strong” by suppressing your sorrow. Instead, He invites you to bring your pain to Him and allow Him to walk with you through it.
Three Key Aspects of Reflection in Grief
1. Acknowledge That Life Has Changed Forever
The first and hardest part of reflection is admitting that life will never be the same. Your spouse is gone, and that loss is permanent. No matter how much you wish you could go back to the way things were, you can’t.
This truth is painful. But accepting reality is the first step toward healing.
Practical Steps:
Say out loud, “I have lost my spouse. My life has changed.”
Write a journal entry about how your daily life has changed since their passing.
Allow yourself to feel the sadness that comes with this acknowledgment.
This is NOT:
This is not saying it’s time to “move on” or forget about your loved one.
It’s not about forcing yourself to be happy.
Instead, it’s about being honest with yourself and accepting that you are now in a new season.
Ecclesiastes 3:4 tells us there is “a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” Right now, it’s okay to be in a season of mourning. That is part of the process.
2. Allow Yourself to Feel the Depth of Your Emotions
Grief brings a flood of emotions—sadness, anger, loneliness, confusion, even guilt. Many people feel ashamed of these emotions and try to suppress them.
But grief must be felt before it can be healed.
It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to feel angry. It’s okay to experience waves of different emotions throughout the day.
Practical Steps:
When emotions rise, don’t push them down. Instead, pause and acknowledge them.
Keep a grief journal where you write about your emotions each day.
Pray honestly. Tell God exactly how you feel, even if you’re angry or confused.
This is NOT:
This is not about allowing yourself to drown in your emotions or believing you’ll never feel joy again.
But it is about giving yourself permission to feel, so that those emotions don’t control you in unhealthy ways.
Psalm 34:18 reminds us, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Your emotions don’t scare or offend God—He is close to you, whatever you are going through.
3. Remember and Honor Your Loved One
Acknowledging your loss doesn’t mean you must forget your spouse. Reflection actually includes taking time to remember them, cherish the love you shared, and honor their impact on your life.
Practical Steps:
Look at old photos and allow yourself to remember the good times.
Write a letter to your spouse, expressing what you miss about them.
Set aside time each week to reflect on their life and thank God for the time you had together.
This is NOT:
This is not to get you to dwell in the past, or become stuck in your grief.
It’s about carrying their memory with you, rather than trying to erase it.
Reflection is part of the healing process.
Common Challenges in the Reflection Phase
“I don’t want to feel this pain.”
It’s natural to want to avoid pain. But the only way through grief is through it. Suppressing emotions only makes them resurface later in unhealthy ways.
“I feel guilty for grieving.”
Some people believe that as Christians, they should always be joyful. But Jesus Himself grieved. You are not weak for mourning—you are human.
“What if I get stuck in my grief?”
Grief is a process, and it takes time. Reflection does not mean staying in a state of sorrow forever—it means processing emotions in a healthy way so you can move forward, in time.
Moving Forward from Reflection
Reflection is just the first step in the RESET journey. After taking time to acknowledge your loss and the depth of your grief, you will be ready to move into the next phase: Embrace—where you learn to accept and cope with your emotions, and experience God’s comfort.
But for now, give yourself permission to reflect.
Acknowledge that life has changed.
Allow yourself to feel.
Cherish and honor the love you shared.
Grief is not a sign of weakness—it is a sign of love. The deeper the love, the deeper the grief. But God will walk with you through each step and phase, bringing comfort, strength, and, in time, new purpose.
You are not alone in this. He sees your tears. He hears your prayers. And He will carry you through.
Let’s Take This Journey Together
If you’re in the Reflect phase of grief, I encourage you to share in the comments:
“What’s one thing you’ve been reflecting on during this season?”
If this post resonated with you, share it with someone who needs encouragement today. And stay tuned for the next post in this series—Phase 2: Embrace – Learning to Accept and Cope With Your Emotions.
You don’t have to navigate grief alone. Let’s walk this road together.
Sincerely,
Gerry van der Wende
