Good morning dear friends, I’m thinking about you today. If you're walking the path of widowhood, you know it’s a journey no one truly understands until they’ve traveled it themselves. There are days when the sorrow feels like a physical weight, and others when a wave of something unexpected - like anger or confusion, or even a moment of relief - might surprise you. In our faith communities, we often talk about hope and peace, and those are vital. But sometimes, in our desire to be strong in faith, we unintentionally silence the very real, and often messy emotions that come with profound loss. Are You Giving Yourself Permission to Grieve Fully? Have you ever felt guilt for feeling angry at God, or at the unfairness of it all? Do you sometimes wonder if your sorrow is too much, or if acknowledging moments of unexpected relief means you didn't love your husband enough? Perhaps you’ve heard well-meaning advice to "be strong" or "have faith," and while those words come from a good place, they can sometimes make us feel like we're not allowed to simply feel. I remember after Leni passed, there were moments of overwhelming sadness, yes, but also a deep, confusing loneliness. Sometimes, a flash of frustration would hit me about something mundane. And in the quiet corners of my heart, there were even fleeting moments of a different kind of peace, a peace that felt almost forbidden, inappropriate in the circumstance. I questioned myself, "Is this okay? Am I grieving 'right'?" If you've ever felt this way, you are not alone. These feelings are not a sign of lacking faith; they are profoundly human responses to a profound loss. Your heart is bravely navigating uncharted territory, and it's doing its best to cope. Unpacking the "Messy" Middle of Grief Grief isn’t a straight line from A to B. It's more like a swirling ocean with powerful currents, unexpected waves, and moments of calm. In our Christian walk, we often focus on the promises of joy and peace. And those promises are true! But they don't negate the very real pain that precedes or accompanies them. It’s crucial to understand that God created us with emotions, and He fully understands and validates every single one of them. Think about the Psalms. David, a man after God's own heart, poured out his deepest angers, fears, and sorrows before the Lord. He didn't sanitize his feelings; he brought his raw self to God. In Psalm 13:1-2, he cries out, "How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?" This isn’t a man lacking faith; this is a man deeply in relationship with a God who can handle his rawest emotions. Your grief will present you with a kaleidoscope of feelings:
- Sorrow: The deep, aching sadness for what was and what will no longer be. This is often the most visible face of grief.
- Anger: Anger at the disease, the accident, the unfairness, or even at God. This is a normal response to feeling helpless or wronged.
- Loneliness: An intense feeling of being alone, even when surrounded by people. The unique loneliness of missing your life partner.
- Confusion: A disorientation about your identity, your future, or even your understanding of God's plan.
- Relief: Sometimes, after a long illness or difficult caregiving journey, a sense of relief can emerge. This doesn't diminish your love; it acknowledges the end of suffering for your loved one and perhaps for you.
These emotions are not roadblocks to your faith; they are part of the landscape of your healing. Suppressing them can actually hinder your journey toward renewed purpose. God doesn't expect you to be stoic; He invites you to be real with Him. He is big enough for your anger, tender enough for your tears, and wise enough for your confusion.
Creating Your Safe Harbor to Feel and Heal
The desire within you to process these complex emotions is healthy. You deserve a safe space - both internally and externally - where you can acknowledge every feeling without judgment, knowing it’s a normal and necessary part of your healing. This isn't about wallowing in self-pity; it's about acknowledging, processing, and ultimately moving through.
When you give yourself permission to feel, you open the door for God’s transformative work. It’s in the acknowledgment of your pain that His comfort can truly meet you. It’s in releasing your anger that His peace can begin to settle. It’s in embracing your loneliness that you can truly experience His companionship.
Think of it as tending a garden. You can’t just plant new seeds over weeds and expect them to flourish. You have to pull out the weeds—the tangled, painful emotions—to prepare the soil for new growth. This process of validation and processing is the spiritual gardening of your soul. And it is a testament not to a lack of faith, but to a profound trust that God is with you even in the messy parts.
Here are some practical actions to help you create your safe space to feel and process your grief:- Journal Your Emotions: Get a dedicated notebook. Write down everything you feel - no censoring, no judgment. If you're angry, write it down. If you're heartbroken, write it down. This is for your eyes only, and it's a powerful way to externalize what's inside.
- Find a Trusted Confidante: Identify one or two people (a close friend, family member, or spiritual mentor) with whom you feel completely safe to share your true feelings, even the "uncomfortable" ones. Ask them specifically to just listen without offering solutions or judgment.
- Talk to God About Everything: Just like David in the Psalms, bring your raw, unfiltered heart to God in prayer. He already knows what’s in your heart, and He can handle it. There’s no emotion that surprises Him.
- Allow for Tears: Don't hold back tears. They are a natural release of pain and a physical manifestation of grief. It’s okay to cry, even often.
- Use Creative Outlets: If writing isn't your primary outlet, try painting, drawing, listening to music, or even singing. Sometimes, expressing emotions non-verbally can be incredibly freeing.
- Set Healthy Boundaries with Well-Meaning People: It's okay to gently say, "I appreciate your concern, but right now I just need to process these feelings," if someone tries to minimize your grief or offer platitudes. You don't owe anyone a "brave face."
- Consider a Christian Grief Support Group: Being with others who understand provides an invaluable safe space. Hearing their experiences can validate your own, and sharing yours can bring immense relief.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a dear friend going through the same pain. Acknowledge that you are doing the best you can in an incredibly difficult situation.
Embrace Your Healing Journey, One Feeling at a Time
Friend, your feelings are valid. Every tear, every sigh, every moment of confusion, even every flicker of anger or peace - they are all part of your unique and sacred grief journey. God is not asking you to deny these emotions; He is inviting you to bring them to Him, to experience His comforting presence within them, and to allow them to be processed as part of your pathway to healing and renewed purpose.
Take a deep breath right now. Acknowledge one feeling you’ve been holding onto. Give yourself permission to feel it, right now, with no judgment. Then, offer it to God. He is ready to meet you there, in the midst of it all.
You are walking a brave path, and you are not alone. Step into this space of honest feeling, knowing that in doing so, you are honoring your heart and inviting deep, lasting healing.
With warmth and understanding,
Gerry van der Wende
P.S. If you would like to talk or pray, please write me here. I promise to respond within 24 hours.
