Healing From Child Abuse and GriefYesterday, I found myself reflecting on my RESET Grief Recovery Method and how I first came to use it—not just in theory, but in my own life. It wasn’t something I simply developed to help others; it was a framework I lived through, twice.
The first time was in 1995, when I had to face the painful reality of my childhood abuse. The second time was in 1999, when I lost my first wife and had to walk the long road of grief recovery. In both experiences, I saw the same RESET phases at work—helping me move from deep pain to a renewed sense of purpose.
Today, I want to share how the RESET phases worked for me, both in overcoming childhood trauma and in healing from the loss of my wife. My prayer is that my story will encourage you on your own journey, wherever you may be.
Facing My Past: Child Abuse Recovery
I grew up in a home that wasn’t safe. The abuse I experienced until the age of 18 was mainly emotional, violent, and physical. For many years, I pushed those memories aside, trying to pretend they didn’t exist. In fact, I had very few actual memories of my childhood, it seemed like a black darkness cloaked everything.
But in 1995, everything changed.
I started having terrible nightmares—I journaled two per week, on average, for almost two years. Each one was a replay of trauma, dragging me back into the painful memories I had tried to bury. I knew I couldn’t ignore it anymore.
The RESET Process in My Healing Journey
Looking back, I can see how the RESET phases were already present in my recovery:
Reflect – I started reading books on child abuse recovery. I journaled about my nightmares, my past, and how it had shaped me. I took time to face the truth I had long suppressed.
Embrace – I opened up about my pain. I detailed the abuse, the family environment, and how it affected me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I refused to keep it a secret any longer. I went to counseling for help in dealing with my issues.
Shape – With the help of counseling, prayer, and deep self-examination, I began reshaping my identity. I was no longer a victim—I was a survivor.
Explore – As I healed, I found new ways to use my pain for good. I shared my story with others, allowing God to use my past to help people in similar situations.
Thrive – Over time, I found freedom. The nightmares stopped, the pain no longer overshadowed my experiences, and I stepped into a new life—one where my past no longer controlled me.
God took something meant for harm and turned it into a source of healing. I’ve had the privilege of helping many others on their journeys, because I first walked my own.
Walking Through Grief: The Loss of My Wife
In 1999, my world shattered again when my first wife Leni passed away. I had known suffering before, but this was different.
Grief is not just sadness. It is an all-consuming fog, a heaviness that makes every step feel impossible.
The pain was overwhelming, but once again, the RESET phases helped me find my way forward.
RESET in My Grief Journey
Reflect – In the first months after my wife’s passing, I had to be brutally honest with myself. I couldn’t ignore the deep sorrow, the loneliness, the questions. I journaled my emotions, my fears, and my memories of our life together.
Embrace – I allowed myself to feel. So often, we try to suppress the emotions that accompany grief, but healing only comes when we accept them and learn to deal with them appropriately. I wept, I prayed, I leaned on friends and family for support.
Shape – Slowly, I began reshaping my life. I had to figure out who I was without Leni. I held on to the lessons and experiences we had shared, but I also had to make room for a new chapter of life.
Explore – Over time, I began looking forward again. I sought new ways to serve, to love, to find meaning in my pain. This ultimately led me to the work I do today—helping others navigate grief and find renewed purpose.
Thrive – Healing did not mean forgetting. It meant living again, with hope and purpose. I remarried, not because I had erased the past, but because I had learned to carry my love and loss together in a new way. My loss and recovery have enriched my life, my marriage with Dianne, and given me a heart to help others along their journey.
RESET: A Method for Many Kinds of Recovery
These two journeys—healing from childhood abuse and grieving my wife’s passing—showed me that the RESET Recovery Method isn’t just for one kind of pain. It applies to so many forms of loss and trauma.
That’s why I’m so passionate about sharing it today, especially with Christian women who are grieving.
If you’ve lost a husband, you know how grief shakes the foundation of your world. You may feel lost, empty, unsure of what comes next. I understand that pain. But I also know there is a way forward.
RESET can help you:
Reflect on your loss and the depth of your grief.
Embrace your emotions instead of attempting to avoid or ignore them.
Shape a new identity, one that honors your past but isn’t trapped in it.
Explore new possibilities and rediscover God’s plan for your life.
Thrive in a life that is meaningful and joy-filled once again.
Hope for Your Journey
Tomorrow, I will share how these RESET phases apply specifically to grief recovery—so that you can begin using them in your own life.
For now, I want you to know this:
Healing is possible.
Your story isn’t over.
God has a purpose for you beyond your pain.
I have walked through deep valleys—and I have come out the other side. Not the same, but stronger, wiser, and full of purpose.
And you will too.
Stay with me on this journey. Tomorrow, we will take a look at the next step.
If you’re in a season of grief and seeking guidance, I’d love to connect. Please click the button below to send me an email with your message.
Let’s walk this road, together.
Sincerely,
Gerry van der Wende
www.advancelinetransformation.com
